I don't think there's ever a worse time for a girl to start crying than after having sex while still in bed with her lover, and yet, that's where I found myself the other day.
It wasn't him, not at all, and it wasn't me, either-- it was my past. My past is a bit colorful. As may have been previously stated, I haven't always had the best taste in or luck with men. One of my past relationships manifested this trait physically-- I was manhandled (quite literally) in a way that's left me with some residual emotional scars and idiosyncrasies, which seem to pop up at the most inconvenient times. A classic sign-- I'm loathe to actually call it "abuse," which of course means that I'm in denial about it and it was, in fact, abuse. I just hate to think of myself-- me: loud, dominating, confident, and proud-- as a victim. I don't consider myself a victim-- just someone who was too young, too naive, and too inexperienced to do something about it. And because of these facts, I've almost never admitted to it or talked about it.
I was smothered; I was uncomfortably pinned; I was choked. I was shaken. I was slapped. None of these were things I asked for-- they were things that just happened, for no rhyme, and no reason. And now, a perfectly wonderful man who treats me like a princess and would never think of purposefully hurting me has to be the one picking up my pieces after I spooked at finding myself in a situation completely non-related that my mind interpreted quite differently, and sent me spinning off into a panic attack the likes of which I haven't had in quite awhile.
Maybe it was the weight of someone on top of me, while holding me down. Maybe it was the thought I had that linked this feeling with pain. Maybe it was just because I'd been having nightmares lately, and was particularly susceptible to feeling overwhelmed. But for whatever reason, I suddenly found myself fighting furiously to get out from under and away while breathing like a winded racehorse. He touched my back to ask if I was ok. I nearly screamed at him to give me space. We both took a few minutes to calm down and process, and once I realized what had happened, and what I had done, I scooched across the bed, threw my arms around him, and started crying with my face screwed up against his chest. He was lovely about it, telling me that I didn't need to tell him the full story; that he understood, even if he didn't understand everything, because we all have our own skeletons in our closets. He let me cry, rubbed my back and kissed my head, and let me work it out of my system. And once we had both calmed down again, we had sex again, possibly the most reaffirming and reassuring act that I can think of.
Please, listen to me-- if you have been mistreated in your past, please, please find some way to let your current partner know. I know it's hard, and I know it can seem at times unnecessary or excessive or like a cry for attention, but if you care about the person you're seeing, they deserve to know about your issues and emotional well-being before you find yourself hyperventilating and sobbing onto their chest like I found myself. You can only be a victim as long as you stay silent, and as long as you let yourself be thought of as such. Instead, learn to grow through the experience for the hard lessons it teaches you-- how to be in tune with your emotions, feelings, and relationships with other people. And even if this isn't something that you've been through yourself, remember-- if I can be a victim of abuse, anyone can be a victim of abuse. The best thing you can do for someone with past issues is to be there for them and try to understand what it is that makes them panic or feel a certain way, and to work through it, together.
To all the other people with "colorful pasts" out there, please know-- you're not alone, and there is someone out there who will be patient and willing with you, because that's the way it's supposed to be; I promise.
XOXO
I can not tell you how much this post meant to me or how incredible the timing of it was. I am currently in a new relationship with a man I love very much (I truly believe that we could spend the rest of our lives together). Unfortunately, I too have an "interesting" past. I was raised in an abusive household, and although most of the physical violence was directed at my mother, I have been left with a warped need of control and fear of vulnerability. On top of that, I am still in close contact with my father, and am working to rebuild a relationship with him. In previous romantic relationships it has been easy to share this part of myself with my significant other - my high school boyfriend was there during the end of this time in my life, and my college boyfriend shared his own family issues, making opening up fairly easy. The problem is that my new guy is just so whole and healthy. His parents are still together, and are deeply in love, and it seems that the most traumatic thing that ever happened in his childhood was his pet hamster dying. He also isn't a huge "sharer" and I doubt this topic will ever organically arise in conversation. So this leaves me with the question: "how??". I want to tell him about my past (if for no other reason than to make him understand why sometimes I irrationally insist on picking the restaurant or staying at my place), but I just don't have any idea of how to approach it. Any advice you have would be welcomed, because I have no doubt that I will soon wind up sobbing into his shoulder at an impromptu moment, and scaring the hell out of Mr. All-American-Family.
ReplyDeleteTalking about these sort of things is extremely hard, as you well know, so don't feel weird about it at all-- it's natural. The fact that you're even considering how to tell your new beau is a good sign-- I've realized through the years that information like this is something that you only share on a person-to-person basis; I've been with guys for months and never felt the need to tell them, while I've been with other men who I was upfront with from the start-- I feel it really depends on the person.
ReplyDeleteMy first question to you is, how long have you and your man been together? I realized right off the bat that TGIS's (The Guy I'm Seeing) sheer physicality mandated that I tell him ASAP-- we both had some predilections for things that required that I tell him if I ever told him to stop that he would. Because he was aware of SOMETHING in my past from the get-go, it wasn't a total surprise when I geeked out on him the other day. It's really about knowing yourself, your limits, your triggers, and trusting the person you're with, which doesn't seem like a problem for you. (And, by the way, congratulations to have found a great guy!)
I would suggest sitting down with your guy in a non-pressure situation-- it could be at home, it could be in the car while you're driving someplace, it could be at a restaurant if you would be more comfortable talking in public (and aren't at risk of crying!) If you can tell him in a business, unemotional (at first...if you can get through the whole thing without being emotional, you're Super Woman!) way why you do the things that you do, and what he needs to be aware of, he should respond to it well based on the fact that you appear to be A.) In control of yourself, despite what's happened in your past, B.) Putting it behind you as best you can, and C.) Trust him enough and care about him enough to want to share. Tell him what you need, from him, and situations. In the end, the way that you approach telling him will let him know how you feel about it and what you need from him-- make sure that you pick a time when YOU feel most comfortable, and, if need be, prep for telling him with someone who already knows who you trust (I'm a big fan of the power of prepared speeches).
Best of luck to you, and I'm so happy if yesterday's post helped you at all!
XOXO
Thank you so much for your response. We have known each other for 9 years, but only been together for 3 months - so there is this strange dichotomy of having known of each other for so long, but just now getting to actually really know each other. Whether it's due to that, or my own strong feelings for him, I think it is time for him to know this about me. Your advice was great, and more than anything reading about someone else's similar experience at such a crucial time was really touching. I have been a fan of your blog (and many others) for a long time, but this is first instance where I have felt the need to comment. Thank you for yesterday's (and everyday's) amazing post.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you so much for YOUR support and comments!
ReplyDeleteXOXO