Countdown to V-Day.

Be A Sexy Secretary: All women in relationships live in fear during the week before February 14th that the guy they're with is going to completely forget that it's actually a beloved (and despised) national holiday. While I may not be the most organizationally-forward person when it comes to remembering important dates myself, I've met far more men that are actually worse than I am at remembering what they're doing on any given Tuesday, let alone a holiday that only comes once a year. So, if you want to give him a (very) friendly reminder that his presence would be greatly appreciated (and most probably reciprocated) on that day, play a little dirty: Send him a sexy picture reminder. Most the women I know (myself included) never wait to the last minute to stock up for V-Day, and I, the Underwear Queen, more than anyone else knows how painful it can be to have brand-new lingerie sitting in your closest, waiting to be worn until the proper day. HOWEVER, there's a way to justify getting dressed up early. No one wants to be a nag-- be sexy instead! If you take a photo or two of you in your Valentine's Day best and text it to him a day or two before with a message like "Hope to see you Monday night!" or "Unwrap me for Valentine's Day?" chances are, he'll actually remember to be there, and maybe even remember to get you a lil' sumthin'. I promise-- it won't ruin the surprise. And if you really don't want to show him all the goodies yet-- wear another outfit, but use the tactic.

(NOTE: Be smart about what you share. If you're nervous or shy, if you haven't been together long, if you don't trust him, or if he has a record of "sharing," either abstain from the photo and send a purely textual message, or make sure that your face and any other distinguishing marks aren't visible in the photo.)

All Wrapped Up (In Love): Speaking of lingerie and sexy little things, I shamelessly recycle the tissue paper they wrap your items in at Vickie's as gift wrap for other people's gifts, and the silk ribbon bag handles to tie them or make decorative bows. It's eco-sexy. Plus, hilarious to see the look on a guy's face when you hand him something wrapped in pink.

V-Day Made Easy, For The Fellas: Hi. Let me take this moment to remind you, this coming Monday, February 14th, is Valentine's Day. I know. It sucks. I'm sorry. You may want to remember that or keep that in mind. Now let's suck it up and get serious about this shit.

If you're seeing a girl, dating a girl, in a relationship with a girl, playing a girl, sleeping with a girl, engaged to a girl, married to a girl, or, hell, if you even KNOW a girl, expect that she got you something. Please know that "don't get me anything" RARELY actually means "don't get me anything" when coming from a woman's mouth. Expect that she will probably be expecting or wanting something in return. DO NOT expect that you have to be left in the dark about what to do, or that it has to cost you a small fortune, the price your left kidney will fetch on the black market, or your future child together's college education. The good news is, there are some inherent things that men do that drive us ladies wild, in a good way. I'm particularly partial to the freshly washed man-- just this morning, I told the guy I'm seeing when he walked back into the bedroom from taking a shower that him with a towel wrapped around his waist and nothing else on but body hair is one of my favorite sights in the world. Give me about 10 minutes of concentrated and uninterrupted staring at that, and I'm good for the day. (Yes, we objectify you too.)

A few things other than the time-honored toweled man that will satiate your lady's desire for romance and surprise on V-Day, ranging from costing you nothing to things that will cost you a little bit of dignity or a chunk of change (lucky girl!):

- Whatever it is, first of all, surprising us with it is always a good idea. A smart woman is very rarely actually surprised. If you can pull it off, you can charm her.

- Cook for her. It doesn't matter what you cook-- you could be Anthony Bourdain whipping up lamb ribs with a mint/tarragon aioli, or you could be a college boy stirring the contents of a box of Kraft mac n' cheese on the stove top, but whenever a woman sees a man standing in a kitchen, holding a cooking utensil, and doing something with food, it makes you look like Arthur pulling the sword out of the stone and hits us in a very primal spot. I think it's called Instant Love.

- Clean up a little, both personally and physically. Shower. Shave. Find a fresh pair of socks. And if she finds you folding her laundry (separate lights from darks or whites from colors, and when in doubt, DON'T DRY IT IN THE DRYER UNLESS IT'S 100% COTTON!) or holding the handle of a running vacuum, I guarantee you-- Best Boyfriend Award for WEEKS.

- I know some of us (myself included) will tell you that chocolate and flowers are over-played. Some women (including myself) are bullshit. What we DON'T like are generic bouquets and Russell Stover heart boxes. Go for her favorite bunch of flowers, or something bright and colorful, and Godiva. My dad got my mom and I classy, understated roses (Mom's, red; mine, the cream-colored ones with the pink or purple tips-- god, I love them,) and gourmet chocolate every year. Our abiding love for him is a good Exhibit A as to why unless she says "I'm allergic," flowers still do something special to every girl. And if you do go for the dozen red roses with baby's breath and red foil box, yadda yadda yadda...unless she's a Grade A bitch, she'll still appreciate the effort you put in, anyway.

- Jewelry is always good. Always. I say this as a jeweler's daughter and sales associate who watched hundreds of men pour in the shop's front doors every year, not as a woman. Here are a few tips I learned in the trade for making sure she actually will like what you drop money on:

1.) Take note of the kind of jewelry she wears regularly. Is she a ring person with one on nearly every finger? Or are bangles and bracelets more her style? Does she only wear the necklace her dead grandmother gave her on her deathbed, and would never think of taking it off in favor of another? Does she have an earring collection, or does she even have pierced ears? What's her favorite gem or birthstone? Is she a silver or gold girl? What's her style? While I may have grown up with precious stones and tennis bracelets, only a small percentage of the jewelry I wear every day is real-- the rest are souvenirs from places I've traveled (rings from Italy and St. John's,) a signature dichroic glass pendant on my necklace that I will almost NEVER take off, and bangles that I'll switch in and out depending on my mood and the look I'm going for-- either wood or cheap metal ones. Scoping what she wears everyday and what's in her jewelry box will give you a good idea as to the type of jewelry she likes to wear and what she'd get the most wear out of-- if she wears the same 2 rings every day, a ring may not be the road to go, but if she mixes and matches necklaces or earrings, those would probably be safe to get her something new. It doesn't even have to be expensive-- the majority of the jewelry I treasure cost under $50-- it just has to be her.

2.) Make sure it's the right size, especially for rings. When in doubt, snag a ring that she won't miss for a day to take it in and match what you're buying up with the right size.

3.) Get it gift-wrapped. Unless you were an origami CHAMP in elementary school, it's probably best to get someone at the store to do it for you.

4.) If it's in a square box-- be it a ring, earrings, or pendant-- give us a minute to catch our breath when you give it to us. We're pre-conditioned about square boxes...we're sorry, we can't help it, just bear with us until we start breathing regularly again.

- Can't go wrong with a few things: Victoria's Secret gift card. Books, movies, or tickets to a show she's wanted to see. A candlelit bubble bath drawn up and waiting for her when she gets home (cheesy, yes, but classic for a reason-- this is the holiday of romantic Velveeta moments). A mix CD or playlist that you compiled for her. Dinner and a fairly nice restaurant and a move. Drinks or cocktails at a lounge-- dressed up. A hand-in-hand walk after dark. Massages. Sex. Cuddling. Or going out drinking in moderately decent clothing, followed by a drunken stumble home in the dark while holding each other up, some messy foreplay, sex, and not falling asleep snoring directly afterwards. That works, too. Hey. We're not all gooey and mushy.

- Good god, hold the plushy toys and cards, unless you're dating jailbait. If you are, make sure to have her back by curfew. Also, please go register with your local Neighborhood Watch chapter.

- Fix something for her-- her car, her computer, the floor in her apartment that needs to be redone, the old paint in the bathroom that's chipping and needs a fresh coat. Whatever you're naturally good at, lend her your talents.

- Tell her she's gorgeous. The best thing you can do for us is really just to tell us that you like us. That we smell nice. That we're pretty. That you like being with us. That you think you're lucky. That you'd do a lot for us, like brave the hordes at a flower shop at 5 o'clock on the 14th because you suddenly remember that we love Gerber daisies. That she looks slammin' in whatever she bought for the occasion. Laugh at the pink wrapping paper. Kiss her "thank you." Say "thank you." Be genuine with her, and she'll fall for it faster than she ever would for a dozen red roses. (...It's still a good idea to have something small. Just sayin'-- don't shoot the messenger.)

Hope that cleared some things up for you, and best of luck with getting lucky.

XOXO