Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?

Today, I was watching one of the the few male members of my Gender Comm. class out of sheer social interest when I realized there was something going on with him that I doubted few other people ever got tipped off about: He's running a tighter game than Mick Vick was this past season, and as an Eagles girl, let me tell you, the only thing tighter than Vick's game is his ass. But back to what was so interesting about my classmate-- He's got a few very good things going for him: He's attractive, fun, extremely easy to talk to, outgoing, bright, and taking a class on gender communications, which, you know, isn't a bad sign at all for someone who worries about being able to clearly communicate and be understood in a relationship. He's also unassuming and self-depreciating-- he knows he's not the "ideal man" type that girls are programmed to go for-- you know, tall, dark and handsome, with suavity like James Bond and an ass like Vick's (oh, wait, I mentioned that already...oh well,)-- but the fact that he's so vocal about this makes you want to prove him wrong. Girls gravitate to him because of all this, so he probably works to further cultivate it. He is, in short, no dumb bunny. "Cause and effect" theory at work, here, as in, "If I play the friendly, slightly geeky guy, girls aren't intimidated by me and want to be friends with me." I've watched his M.O for the past few weeks and seen it at work; I bet he's always got a lot of girls around him, but I also bet he gets friend-zoned a lot when girls meet and then go for a bad-boy type instead. There's the flaw in his game-- I know it, but I wonder, does he?

Take, for example, one of TGIS's best friends. I adore the kid and am very vocal about it-- TGIS knows it; my roommate agrees with me about the fact he's utterly lovable; and I'll talk about how great his friend is equally as much as I talk about how great TGIS is (if not his friend more). He's just the kind of guy who instantly puts women at ease, is really quiet and unassuming, yet knows how to have fun and will make sure to include you in conversation or anything he and the guys are doing. In fact, he's so nice that I often (somewhat) joke around that I'd leave TGIS for his friend in a hot minute just due to niceness, and TGIS is a pretty nice guy of his own accord, too. But one thing makes this a joke, and not something I would ever in a million years actually ever act on: He lacks the je-ne-sais-quoi bad-boy factor that TGIS does have that keeps women (myself included,) enthralled and guessing. And that's the flaw in Gen. Comm. Boy's little scheme-- nice guys never factor in the bad boys. But oh, how they should.

After dating for roughly the last three million years (give or take a century or so), I've dated a lot of guys. Short guys, lots of tall guys, fat guys, thin guys, muscular guys, athletic guys, nerdy guys, smart guys, dumb guys, sweet guys, but the majority of them have been one kind of guy in particular: bad boys. They're kind of a specialty of mine-- slightly fractured, emotionally needy, a little fucked up, and emotionally unattached. After all these eons of observation and the emotional train wrecks they leave behind them, I have come to one conclusion: There is only one kind of guy really worth dating who will ever really keep a woman's attention, especially if she has as short of a dating attention span as I do-- the nice guy with an edge, or, in less flowery terms, a reformed bad boy. Does this mean that he's entirely house- and relationship-trained and won't leave you broken and bleeding at the end? No, but it does mean that he might actually date you properly and take you out instead of just sending you packing the next morning and wait a little bit to have sex with you until he's sure he actually likes you, unlike his previous incarnation. See, he used to be a bad boy, but just like I used to be much more of a maneater than I am now, he too was burned by some of his past choices and reached a higher state of being, mainly called "Nirv-NotBeingACompleteAssholeAnymore," thus making him just about the most illusive and perfect creature a woman could ever track down and wrestle into bed and into dating.

So, in theory, while Gen. Comm. Boy may have his game (mostly) worked out, it's a shame that it really doesn't pay out for him, because when all the chips are down, he's a really nice guy, but we ladies are eternally preoccupied in less green, more shady pastures. We would be smarter if we chose men who liked us more than we liked them, like him, but that's never how it works. And the questioning and the emotional torment that comes with the bad boys, or even with the reformed bad boys sometimes, is the price that we pay for craving a bit of mystery and drama in our love-lives. That's really what it comes down to-- we'd rather not be bored, not that these men are boring, but a little bit of intrigue as toward how someone feels about you is the engine that seems to power our relationships. It's the butterflies-- we always want to have the butterflies. So I guess we have no one to blame but ourselves for our relationship drama and eternal questioning. Go figure. Do I win a Pulitzer for that stunning reveal now?

XOXO

Red Light, Green Light, No Lights?

Like any smart person dating or living, I have certain non-negotiables when it comes to men: He must do what he says he will do (have follow-through). He must have initiative (put as much time and energy into planning, talking, and general effort). He must have manners (ack rite, be a gentleman, and know how to hold a fork correctly). He must have self-confidence (sexy). He must love watching football as much as I do and drink PBR (because if you can't agree on your teams or your brews, what in life can you agree on?!). This is like the Holy Grail. I get that every other female on the face of the Earth is looking for this dude; here's hoping I'm just more tenacious in finding him.

And I'm getting closer, what with all these relationship lifestyle changes. For possibly the first time in my life, a guy other than my father or a very platonic male friend is treating me like a princess-- but one in a glass tower, wearing a chastity belt. It's quite possible I'm just hornier and used to taking the bull by the horns (or other things,) and just jumping into bed with it. This would not be a shocking world revelation. As the past has shown, this isn't always the best decision and doesn't tend to lead to being treated like anything more special then a really great lay, which is why strides are being made to Do The Right Thing Here and Play The Game. But it does bring up some questions, other than "Are you even attracted to me? And if not, then why do you guys do all of this?"

But I am not a man. Obviously. And sometimes, when playing with new men, I feel extremely out of my comfort zone. There are things that I know what they mean coming from a woman, but coming from a man, I am completely lost in translation. And when I get lost, I get, well...masculine. Instead of the sweet, flirty, lovable girl I want to be around the men I'd consider letting through the Pearly Gates, my masculinity comes out to play at the wrong time to take charge! and Just Do It. (Obviously, that one's trademarked by Nike.) But despite the gender-bending overtures, I'm still no closer to getting any of this, and I AM attracted! What gives?!

So, today, male readers, you get to do ME a solid and help me decode dude behavior and figure this out. Listed below are some standard actions of men currently engaged in the early stages of getting to know a woman. Preceding them are icons-- a G for if women interpret this behavior as "all systems go!", a ? if we're completely baffled by if this is a good or bad sign, and a R if we take this to be a complete failure in the interest of ever getting it on. Your job is to correct me if I've got the wrong end of the stick on any of this. And ladies, you're not left out of the game, either-- What are some other completely baffling men dating behaviors? Let's sort this the hell out!

[G] If he talks to you every day-- either via in person if it's possible, phone, text, chat, etc.

[?] If he talks about other women who were flirting with him. On one hand, maybe he's trying to feel out how you feel about him by seeing if you're jealous. On the other hand, maybe he wants help in picking them up. I have no idea how to feel about this one.

[R] If he brings up his past relationships. Dudes-- Unless you are asked, point-blank, to discuss your exes or another girl you had a "thing" with, or unless something pertinent happened with them which goes to explain a point in your current relationship-- it is bad form to bring up another woman while talking to a woman. Especially in bed. Don't laugh. That's happened to me, more than once.

[G] If he asks you about your sex life. Then he's thinking about your sex life. (Caveat: Some men are dogs and just want to inappropriately ask you about your sex life with no reason, and no groundwork beforehand. Consider them like hand grenades-- volatile, and apt to destroy with reckless abandon.)

[G] If he tries to validate himself to you as someone awesome-- bragging about prowess, financial status, work, school, or sport accomplishments, etc.

[G] If he initiates contact more than 50% of the time, and makes the plans. What a keeper.

[G] If he tells you flat-out that he wants to do things for you. (I think it's acceptable to take people on their word.)

[?] If he tells you what's wrong with him-- i.e: doesn't consider dating a priority, has anger issues, has mommy issues, has had trouble in the past keeping it between you and him and in his pants, etc. We call this the Lemon Law: Most guys will tell you within two weeks what's wrong with them, or what challenges you're going to face in dealing with them. The good news is, he knows what his issues are, and he's telling them to you. The bad news is, he's normally not so up-front about it-- it'll be snuck into conversation, so you have to be on toes about looking for it and/or noticing it. So, is this enlightenment, or something to fall back on later when he can look at you and say, "I told you I have issues with commitment"?

[R] If he admittedly is not on good speaking terms with his ex, other women he's been involved with, or a majority of people who used to be friends. How he treats or treated them is a great preview into how he'll end up treating you.

And then, there's a flip-side to everything. To make it all even more confusing, here's what it means when a woman does the same exact things. Guys, what you're looking at right here is what we ladies know. This is what we have to work with. So if something you're doing is getting lost in translation and interpreted entirely differently...here's why:

[?] If she talks to you every day-- either via phone, text, chat, or smoke signals, it either means one of two things: She likes you, or she's dependent on you. When women like someone, we want to talk with them, a lot, especially if there's physical distance between them and the other person-- say they don't live in the same town, or have conflicting schedules that makes hanging out difficult. I'm actually weird-- when I've got a crush on someone, I do want to talk with them every day, but after the initial honeymoon phase has worn off, every other day or every two days is enough space for me. However, I get highly dependent on the men in my life-- stopping talking to exes is extremely difficult for me to realign them as a major player in my life to a bench-warmer.

[G] If she talks about other men who were flirting with her. She's trying to make you jealous and see how you really feel about her. All the way. We do this purposefully, all the time, and unless you're the most platonic of our male friends or male coworkers, we're trying to feel you out if you're going to get all caveman on us and grunt, "No! You my woman! I make you mine!" and carry us back to the cave over your shoulder like we're hoping you will.

[R] If she brings up her past relationships. We're either not over it, or we're using it as a warning tale to you about what NOT to do, so, listen close, either way. Same rule applies: Unless he asks, leave it in the past.

[G] If she asks you about your sex life. She wants your bod. She wants you to do things to her no man has ever done before. She thinks you're Superman. Her body is a movie, and your penis is the star. (Thank you, The Sweetest Thing.)

[G] If she tries to validate herself to you as someone awesome-- she wants to show you how much better your life could be if she was in it, cooking you breakfast, helping you update your job resume, and making your buddies jealous you have such a smokin' and awesome girlfriend. Oh, yeah-- we think about. We want to make your friends as jealous as you do. Fact.

[R] If she initiates contact more than 50% of the time, and makes the plans. She's secretly a man. Or, at the very least, a severe micro-manager. And is more into it than you obviously are. Recognize it, and let her down gently. (Ladies-- don't lie-- we're liberated and if we can vote, we can sure as hell call him first, but we also know what it means when shit's going bad when you're the one hunting him down to talk more than half the time.)

[G] If she tells you flat-out that she wants to do things for you. She's a keeper. She's there to help. She really digs you, and she's willing to prove it. And if those "things" are sexual in nature-- never let her go.

[G] If she tells you what's wrong with her. Unless she's bat-shit crazy, a woman with issues knows that she's got them. I know mine-- see the note above about how I get masculine when intimidated by big, manly men, among many others. Best be sure I explain myself when it happens. If we're telling you what we get crazy-pants about, it's a good indicator that we're working on those issues, and want to forewarn and forearm you before the shit hits the fan and you're wondering what you ever did to deserve the way we're treating you out of the blue.

[R] If she admittedly is not on good speaking terms with her ex, other men she's been involved with, or a majority of people who used to be friends. Unless all these men and those friends were bastards (which, can be true,) she's a stark-raving psychopath. RUN AWAY, YOU DON'T NEED THIS TROUBLE IN YOUR LIFE. Even some of the most horrible break-ups can result in civil behavior or continued friendships and acquaintances. My most dastardly ex is still someone I spend time with. Granted, some of it is catty, sarcastic time, but we can be at the same place at the same time, nonetheless.

So, are we on the mark? Way off-center? Completely missing the point? Did you learn something? Can you teach me something? We'll all never know unless you tell! That's what that comment box is for.

XOXO

Professional Opinion: The Case For Cliches

I just spent the last hour and 15 minutes of my life trying not to storm out of a room while listening to a man. It was harder than I thought it would be.

Periodically, for my Internship class, we have guest speakers come in and present to us what it is they do and how they have made their livings in the writing world. While I have thoroughly enjoyed some of these speakers and gotten new and innovative ideas on where I could potentially go with my career, some of them, like today's, signify to me all that is wrong with the writing industry and world.

I've been learning lately that the "Lemon Law" that applies to dating-- the idea that within your first few encounters with a new man, he will tell you exactly, but maybe not in so many words, what it is that is wrong with him-- applies to the professional world as well. Within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone in a professional setting, you can usually get an idea as to their bend rather quickly. Sometimes it's in their lack of interest, or in their blatant disclaimer that they hate hiring new people to do what it is they think they can do best themselves. Today, the head editor of a local newspaper that shall remain unnamed, along with the speaker, pronounced within the first 5 minutes of sitting down that "99% of what is on the internet is swill."

This may have understandably got my hackles up, but what ironies and flip-flopping proceeded to come forth from his mouth really cemented him as, in my mind, probably one of the least-favorite individuals I've ever met. And this is why.

"Get rid of your mannerisms," he told us. "The hackneyed phrases; the cliches. You won't unearth your personal style until you strip away this junk." You know, I've heard this enough from my professors and other professionals that I get the point. A lot of budding writers stick to the cliches and what they know is widely known an accepted because they don't have the tools to formulate those phrases or thoughts yet themselves. But just like some of the rules of traditional style have to be sacrificed for the sake of excellent poetry (e.e cummings, anyone?), and you have to know the rules of grammar in able to stylistically have the license to break them, I think that some of those cliches are so wide-spread because when used sparingly and properly, they can speak to people and be understood instantly and better than anything new possibly could. I use cliches. I actually really love the nostalgia of certain cliches. The turns of phrase are more elegant and sophisticated than what I'm capable of coming up with on my own sometimes, and they read more consistently across the board. "Misery loves company." "Footloose and fancy-free." "Free as a bird." "As subtle as a bull in a china shop." They're beautiful. Why shouldn't we be able to use them, when the right moment arrives?

Furthermore, your mannerisms, I believe, are what make your voice. My mannerism are what makes my writing unique and stamps it as my own like a thumb print. You cannot write with the same spin that I do. I can't mimic your writing, because I don't think the way you do. My vocabulary is not your vocabulary. We don't use those same phrases and cliches-- we have our own favorites. Strip that away, and you're left with what? Associated Press-sounding content. Yes. Because AP style is totally going to make my page impression count go up.

This came from the same man who handed out a packet of what he considered "excellent writing" in which the following lines were included in "Warrior's Requiem", which, first of all, is an incredibly pompous name for a news article. Ever since "Requiem of a Dream," I've been weaned off of liking that word. Anyway, here are a few samples of sentences: "convalescing from the storms and stresses," "like a sudden liberated vacationist," "the outpouring of the national heart," "under the wide and starry skies of his own homeland America's unknown dead from France sleeps tonight, a soldier home from the wars," and "Alone, he lies in the narrow cell of stone that guards his body; but his soul has entered into the spirit of America. Wherever liberty is held close in men's hearts, the honor and glory and the pledge of high endeavor poured out over this nameless one of fame will be told and sung by Americans for all time." Gag me. Gag me, now. I'm sorry. Was that clear? Concise? Direct? Not cliche? Was that good news coverage for the everyman? No across the board.

He then encouraged us to keep our writing to one thought per sentence, shying away from using commas to tack on another compound thought, and forgo using "and," "because," "therefore," "however," and "although." "Don't force readers to think [back in the text] by using words like 'latter' and 'respectively'," he then told us; personally, I think he could have stopped at "Don't force readers to think," and summed up his whole outlook on his writing profession succinctly and successfully. Scary, then, that this man is in charge of the content of local news, and champions charging fees for accessing archived information and moving some forms of electronic news over as apps for iPad and smart phone users alone. Maybe I'm just from East Bumfuck, Nowhere, and maybe it's just my radical, nearly Communist, liberal way of thinking, but I'm sorry-- is local news a right, or a privilege? When I hear about a shooting in the town I grew up in, try to access my hometown newspaper's website, and can't get any information from it because I refuse to pay a fee for what will be a once-in-a-blue-moon-or-disaster frequency, do you know what I have to do? Call my family and friends and ask if everyone is ok. Chances that they know exactly what happened to whom? Slim. This helps me, and communities, how? Turning it into a money-making venture from something that used to be so typically First Amendment American turns my stomach. I believe that that's one hell of a way to alienate your audience, as well as your community. Very few disillusioned souls ever went into the newspaper business to get rich. You pick your lot in life-- now deal with it. Not all of us will end up being wildly successful. If you're in the writing gambit, chances are, you should be more comfortable with the idea of living in a cardboard box than in a mansion. Or, at least, anywhere far above the poverty line, unless you have an incredible talent and natural proclivity.

I guess what got me the most up on my soapbox about this dude was the fact that he seems to be instilled in the fact that you must condescend to your readers, and maybe more so, finds this appropriate. This flies in the face of all that I believe and hope to achieve. Reading Cosmo isn't fun anymore. I've moved to Glamour for my monthly glossy reading, with supplements like The Atlantic, The New Yorker, ELLE, and Vogue. Reading Cosmo, in fact, makes me feel stupid-- like I can literally feel my brain cells screaming out for a compound sentence and shriveling up. What I'm trying to offer here, at its best, is an alternative to the recycled dumbed-down content for the thinking woman, and honest intelligent insight into women's thinking for the everyman. Is this achieved in every post I write? Certainly not. But I do my best. The wait between posts is a real-time example of the amount of time it takes for me to find, research, mull over, and develop a new idea, or a new spin on an old idea. It's not easy. It's not to be taken lightly. What it is, I hope, is fun, sometimes innovative, and thought- or opinion-provoking.

Unlike our speaker today, I think that it is a writer's obligation to expand their reader's minds. To not cater to the intelligence slums of the masses, but challenge their readers to think. Challenge them by doing what other writers are too afraid, or too traditional, to do. Trust that your readers are people as intelligent as you are, if not more. Trust that they have interests. Trust in their powers to infer, or gather more information if they don't think they have all of it. And if absolutely nothing else, trust that your readers can always find somewhere else to read if they're not giving them what they desire. We're not sheep. You're not sheep. I hope I give you enough to stay interested. Please let me know if I'm ever not, and, unlike our speaker, I'll do my best to make sure to provide something eclectic and invigorating for you to read.

XOXO

Speak Softly, But Carry A Sharp Stiletto

If all’s fair in love and war, and love is a battlefield, then that must make dating a full-contact sport. (Hehehe—yes, it is!) Like any good tactical game, it needs battle rules. Even in war, there are certain things that are strictly adhered to. Maybe I wouldn’t get myself so emotionally vanquished if I actually followed the rules that sane people must when in a relationship, rather than being a sort of kamikaze lover, quick to jump in, and finding it very hard to get out alive, let alone in one piece.

The following are rules taken from the art of war and transferred to the art of love. Although you may not always follow them, like I don’t, there’s valid points to be made, and lessons learned.

Rule of Combat #1: Don’t let down your guard. Yes, this may make me sound overly suspicious and cynical, but even when things are going great, remember, they can get worse. Enjoy the good times—cherish them—but still don’t consider yourself untouchable because everything is roses today. One day, Perfect was waking me up, asking why I didn’t respond to a text of his, as worried as women always dream men will or should be about the “little things” like communication, and texting me all throughout the day, just to stay in touch because he wanted to. Three days later, it was “I think we should just be friends because I don’t want to go to college with a long-distance relationship.” Two weeks after that, I consider myself blessed if he even returns a text.

I’m a firm believer in the jinxing of things, and if anyone jinxed Perfect and I, it was me, because I thought that if it was so great now, nothing could possibly ever change it. Then, surprise! Attack! Don’t let down that guard—be vigilant.

Rule of Combat #2: Protect your bases. I let Perfect into the places in my life way, way, too much. He made himself at home in my apartment every time he came over, which at first I thought was good, and now realize may have been jumping the gun a little bit. My own bed isn’t even a neutral space. My bedsprings squeak and my closet door only shuts half the time because of him. He showered in my shower. We both spit in the same sink side-by-side as we brushed our teeth. My linens—sheets, hand towels—used by him.

The beach, Cait’s apartment, Colchester—all Perfect-invaded territory. And my favorite Chinese restaurant? Yeah, we went there, too. I will never think of their lo mien the same way again.

Rule of Combat #3: Don’t accept new cadets without engaging in a bit of a hazing ritual. Here, “hazing” means doing a proper background check—scoping them out, both you and through their friends or other people who know them, asking them questions about themselves, and generally assessing their character.

It’s been said by Lauren Frances, author of Dating, Mating, and Man-Handling, (a book that I very much recommend,) that men will straight-out tell you their dirty little dating secret, usually within the first few times you meet them. It will be casually stated, like a joke or a self-depreciating fact, and if you’re not listening for it, you won’t catch it. It’s so true, too. Since I read her book, I’ve applied this to all the men I’ve been with. The Flaky Artist told me he was flaky and lost interest quickly. Jersey Blunt flat-out said he was a player. Legs noted that he wasn’t ready for commitment, as he was getting ready to graduate and move. And Perfect told me not once, but twice, that he had a lot of girl friends because he got along with them better. Making the leap to the fact that these “girl friends” would be interested in being more than friends wasn’t hard.

After they tell you what their Achilles’ heel is, constant vigilance will probably be required. I’m warning you now.

Rule of Combat #4: Never go into battle ill-equipped. You friends, your wardrobe, your make-up, your fitness, your diet, and your hygiene are all your weapons in the world of dating. And yes, although there may always be someone out there who is prettier than you, taller than you, has better abs than you, can afford to shop designer, or just has a bigger gun than you, take proper care of your assets. A good wing-woman is invaluable. I will do things for my friends that money couldn’t buy, whether it’s scoping out where their boyfriend is while they’re on vacation or taking one for the team at a party with a guy’s less-than-stellar best friend so they can chat Mr. Hottie up. In return, I expect my friends to do the same for me, and they always pull through—drive-by missions, tagging along with me to events, or welding car doors shut. (I’ve never really asked anyone to do that, just so you know. Though I do have a friend with a welding set who has offered her services if ever needed.)

As for your body, don’t mistreat it, and it won’t mistreat you. Watch what goes into your mouth—it’s directly proportional to what you’ll feel like afterward. Drink lots of water. Eat more fruits, veggies, and lean protein. Cut out the chemical crap if you can, or at least, cut it down. Start reading labels. They’ll shock you into changing your eating habits. Like any machine, your body has to be constantly used to run and look its best. Get to the gym. I like using the elliptical for my thighs and butt, running a mile for cardio, and doing chest presses and other weight repetitions to keep the girls in place. Look at the older women in your family—your mother, aunts, and grandmothers. That will give you a good idea of what your body will look like when you’re their age. All the women in my family could tuck their tits into the waist of their pants, so I do multiple chest presses EVERY DAY to fight gravity. My boobs will not be resting on tabletops, thankyouverymuch. If you can’t, work out at home. Take the fucking stairs. Do lunges—it seriously doesn’t get any easier than standing in one place. Also, buff and shine that body of yours. Shower, daily, please. Wash your face before you go to bed. Things settle on you while you’re out and about during the day that would terrify you to know about, so get rid of it with some soap and warm water. (If you can smell it, that means little particles of it are in the air, in your nasal passages, and on your skin. Think about this next time you walk into a bathroom.) Plus, a hot, steamy shower always makes me feel like a million bucks, especially after the gym. It’s an easy way to pamper yourself.

Dress for the shape you are, not the shape you want to be or the shape you used to be. Flaunt your assets. Figure out what’s flattering, what makes you feel comfortable, and what you’ll wear over and over and still love. A great outfit that you never get the chance to wear is a waste of money, and in today’s economy, no one can afford that. Friends come in here, again. Make sure you have one or two with great fashion sense whose taste and opinion you trust to ask if you look good in something or not. And remember—just because it’s in style, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily for you.

Personality is the deadliest weapon of all. You need to know what about you is good, fun, lovable, and society- and man-friendly. Have go-to stories that provide caveats of information about you and the kind of person you are to tell at parties. (Generally, keep the ones that involve tequila for friends’ parties, and not work parties.) If you know there’s an aspect or two of yours that are less than charming—for me, it’s jealousy and bluntness—make sure that if they rear their ugly head to address it. When Perfect told me he was sensitive, I responded with a, “That’s great that you told me, because I can be blunt, and don’t mean to hurt you.” When he sent me a text about skinny-dipping with a friend and six other girls that got my green-eyed monster out-of-control, I texted him back and said, “Hey, I know it may be no big deal, but I found myself getting a little jealous.” I owned up to him later, telling him that although it’s not a great trait to be in possession of, it’s one of mine. BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT WHO YOU ARE. If you’re not, people are going to figure it out sooner or later, and it almost never, ever goes well.

What, you may ask, does this all have to do with love and the fine art of dating? Well, these are the things that you can use to your advantage. Stun your opponent—be it the man you’re after, or a threatening other woman—with one, some, or all of these things. Remember, men don’t really see the little details; he’s not noticing the cellulite on the back of your thighs while he’s looking at the sexy hemline of your Little Black Dress. And the girl giving you nasty looks from across the room is probably wishing she had your teeth or cleavage, let alone your man. We’re all insecure, and we all have skewed views of ourselves. Other people see you differently, so put your best high-heeled foot forward.

Rule of Combat #5: It’s ok to play dirty. This can apply to being both delightfully dirty, or to being deviously dirty. Playing dirty is sexting, something that feels deliciously naughty. Playing dirty is also getting in good with his friends so that they’ll tell him (hopefully fairly regularly) how cool you are. Playing dirty is teasing him with innuendo while pretending not to notice to get his blood boiling. Playing dirty is also keeping or using mutual friends to get the inside scoop. As long as it doesn’t get too nasty—i.e: one of you is going to get hurt—it’s pretty harmless.

(P.S—On the whole “sexting” topic, which usually brings up pictures, too: I’m a firm believer in the fact that less is more. If you don’t give a man instant gratification, it’ll keep him thinking about it. Just don’t tease too much; follow through with what you promised the next time you see him. Talking about sex or talking about how turned on your are or about things you’d like to try over text or messaging is great. Phone sex—not until you’re pretty committed. He asks for pics? A few options. A picture of lingerie, not on you, will get him imagining what it looks like on you. A picture of you in some lingerie or a suggestive outfit will make him think of him taking it off of you. A naked picture—and please, don’t, but if you must, no face!—will give him about 5 minutes’ worth of thought while he whacks off and that will be the end of his thinking about you. No delicious delayed action. And I really believe men are getting things too easy these days. Make ‘em sweat a little. It’s good for them. Plus, a sweaty man is a sexy and tasty man!)

Rule of Combat #6: Be a gracious loser. If something happens, make sure to get out with your dignity intact. No one ever had anything bad to say about the person they dated who was civil, friendly, and classy when things went down-hill. You don’t hear “crazy bitch” stories like, “Oh man, yeah, I saw her the other day, and she said “hi” and genuinely asked how I was even though it was kinda awkward.” You hear “crazy bitch” stories like, “Oh man, yeah, I saw her the other day and she hid behind a fruit display.” Or, even worse, “Oh man, yeah, I saw her the other day, and she burst into tears and started screaming at me about how I killed our love. What a crazy bitch.”

Rule of Combat #7: Don’t just play dead. If you’re still kicking, kick. Fight for what you want—never surrender. No woman in the history of the world has ever felt truly happy or fulfilled because she surrendered something that she wanted. Even some of the most peaceful, loving women—think Mother Theresa, Jane Goodall, and Rosa Parks—fought for what they believed in. And you better believe you’d don’t know their names today because they just gave in and called it quits.

If you want something—speak up. If you need something—ask. If things just aren’t working—talk about it. Believe me, please, PLEASE, believe me—I know this is not easy. I am the champion of Girls Who Don’t Talk About Their Feelings, Emotions, Or What That Want Or Need, Especially To Their Men. If there is one thing that Perfect taught me that I will forever be indebted to him for, it was the fact that being a sensitive, feelings and emotions sort of guy himself, he (I don’t want to use the word “forced,” but it almost was,) asked me to open up to him and actually tell him what was going on. He wanted to know what I thought. He wanted me to know what he thought. Yes, under all that muscle and man’s man attitude, Perfect was a guy who was in touch with his feelings, and considered other people’s feelings as an important thing as well. It’s always interesting the surprises that men hide. Even in The Conversation (I have a feeling that in later years this will become known as The Conversation of June 2009), Perfect cut through all my pleasantry bullshit with a “Well, I want to know where you stand and what you think.” Even after, when he couldn’t ask me himself, he was calling Cait to see how I was.

That, my friends, is the mark of a Good Man. And that Good Man made me a Better Woman by teaching me not to be afraid of saying things like, “you know, this isn’t working,” or “something feels weird—what’s up?” Before Perfect, if a man ended with me, I waved the white flag and let depression take me prisoner. Now, I’m strong enough to say, “you know what? I’m not done. This is what still needs to happen.” I never got closure with Legs, even after our cease-fire coffee date a year later. If there is one thing I have learned since to demand, it is whatever is exactly what you need—closure, a second chance, a reason, restitution, half of everything, all your stuff back; whatever.

People get hurt both in war and in love. Emotional wounds may be harder to stop than physical ones, but they all take their toll on the victim. Fight the good fight—play the game wisely and you’ll get out both alive, and happy. Winning—the guy, the fight—is just the icing on the cake.

Good luck!
XOXO

P.S—I’m sure I’ll come up with more of these as I go along, but I have to be up and at the gym in under seven hours, so I’ll revisit this post in the future when beauty sleep is not at stake. Please stop by this post again and look for some more rules!