Figuring It All Out

At 22, I thought that my big Quarterlife-Crisis change would be starting to navigate the big, scary Real World, B.S in hand. Instead, the economy solved that issues for me by making me generally unemployable (who ever got a Liberal Arts degree, anyway?) and only a few months freshly out of college, my big life change ended up being a drastic switch from The Single Life to The Coupled Life. Between the two of us, self-imposed loners with a sarcastic, highbrow bend and a serious commitment to Netflix and alienating ourselves from decent society, we managed to take two fairly boring lives, combine them, and make one chock-full-o'-nuts life together. Hence why I have been fairly MIA for the last few months. Hence why I now have friends IRL. Hence why tonight, while he's gone from the nest and I am too mindlessly bored to continue watching yet another Katherine Heigl movie, I've decided to let you know that I remain alive, just a little bit less single than I used to be, and a little bit more grown-up.

All kidding aside, what have I learned about relationships in the past few months cannot be neatly summed up in a single blog post, or in any number of blog posts, for that matter. (Believe me-- I have tried. And tried and tried and tried. My Drafts box is both imposing and impressive now.) Our relationship, like most others, is too complex and nuanced to break it down into categories and subcategories: What I Think About Him, What He Thinks Of Me, When An Acceptable Amount Of Time Is In Which To Say "I Love You," And Who Said It First (neither of those actually happened to be good societal standard norms, but fuck it), How We Met Each Other's Families, The Fact That All My Friends For Once Agree I Have Met A Suitable Man And Would Probably Take Him Over Me Were We To Split, Our First Mini-Getaways As A Couple And How To Survive A Vacation With Your Partner When Your Forget Your Blowdryer, What To Say When You're Caught Red-Handed, How To Breathe And Just Let Shit Roll Off Your Back, What Happens When The Past Sometimes Doesn't Stay In The Past, How Cooking For Two Requires More Math Than You're Bound To Remember From High School Calc Than Cooking For One Does, and The Proper Way To Wake A Snoring, Blanket-Stealing Man Up.

Instead, I've gone back to my pre-schooling basics to make this relationship work where others before have failed. We share things: My car. His house. The grocery list. A full-size bed (built for cuddling when you're respectively 5'3 and 6'3,) and one blanket-- well, he has a tendency to get all Oldest Child about it and steal it, so I've resorted to His and Hers duvets. Colds-- he just got over one; kindly has passed it onto me. We compromise: He, a full-bore Mac Man, has learned to navigate around my PC. I've given up eating quite as much red meat as I used to to better suit his vegetarian diet and our shared meals. He's getting used to having to repeat questions. I'm slowly getting used to actually listening to the answers. The other day, I caught him kiss my cat on the head, not sneer and verbally demean him per usual. It touched me in a very special place. (No, not that special place.) Basically, as I am dying to tell all of my ex-professors, the things I learned in hallowed campus classrooms were NOT, in fact, the lessons that have helped me survive life after college; it was the lessons my parents taught me pre-K and everything else I picked up from dating in dorms, renting as a roommate, and romancing the reluctant and recalcitrant rascals of my previous Single Life that have got me where I am today: Happy, well-adjusted, cohabitating, and in love.

...And yes, still funemployed. But writing pro bono for a few publications, and one newly-created nationally-syndicated women's magazine! (I guess some of those publishing and entrepreneurship classes did come in useful, after all.)

Long story short, I spent 4 years of my life and nearly a cool $100K to learn that to make it in life, you have to be funny enough to ensnare a man's attention, quirky enough to keep it, well-versed enough in the kitchen to feed him once you've got him, persevering enough to play hausfrau for him, relaxed enough to drink beers with his buddies, feminine enough to keep his blood boiling even after a few months in, well-read enough to read the labels on his shirts before laundering them, and educated enough from your previous Single Life to be able to introduce him to new things, places, and experiences.

He, in return, has got to love you enough to find all of this amusing and endearing.

In other words, stay in school, because that's where all the good men are.

XOXO

Batgirl's Got Shit On Super Girlfriend.

Over the weekend, one of my best friends came and stayed with us. For both of us-- "fun"employed graduates with a bachelors in writing who aren't happy unless we're working for 5 independently contracted clients at once and think "relaxing" is an exercise is being frivolous-- it was not only a great chance to not only discover "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding", read woman's magazines, eat McDonalds (or "The Devil's Food" as my very health-conscious boyfriend would call it), and have the Girl Time that we both found ourselves currently lacking in our lives post-grad, but also, to compare relationship notes and find heroes in other people and how they lead their coupled lives.

I think she's utterly amazing for being in a long distance relationship and is a rock-star for being confident enough to try 21st century ways of staying in touch and intimate. She loved the fact that I strive to make every day eventful for my S.O; we woke up and went impromptu hiking the other morning, then ended up getting glammed up and going out for a business dinner later that same night. I love the fact that her boyfriend is admittedly crazy about her and that it's obvious to everyone around them, even when they're apart-- the constant "ping"-ing of her iPhone affirms that he's not afraid to be candid about how he feels. She (and I) were both smitten when my S.O remembered to bring her a towel and washcloth at night before she went to bed-- something very "host-y" that had escaped both our FEMALE minds, but didn't get past him.

All in all, it came down to the fact that we both know our relationships and our respective partners, but found that finding things to admire in your friend's relationships can help you look at and switch up your own more effectively, too. While all of our relationships are as different as we are as individuals, there's something really great about knowing that you have a "Girlfriend Hero" who will run across town after her boyfriend's rent check to make sure it gets to the right place on time that you can look up and aspire to...while knowing at the same time that you're her "Girlfriend Hero" for your uncanny ability to snag the best seats for the festival fireworks AND remember to bring along your S.O's favorite candy to snack on, too.

If you're lucky enough like me to realize that for the first time in your life, nearly all of your best friends are taken, pair up with one of them whose relationship style you really admire, take notes on how each other makes it appear effortless, and exchange compliments. A lot of the time, the effort we spend putting time, energy, and countless summer-day-outing-plans-so-you-don't-get-bored-and-cranky into our relationships either isn't noticed by our partners (because we're just that good at seeming perpetually AWESOME,) or just isn't acknowledged the way we'd sometimes like it to be after going above and beyond, because, hey, we're girls, and men and women communicate differently about appreciation, after all. Make it your goal to find someone who makes it look so easy to look up to, because, chances are, she'll end up telling you that you're just as stellar a girlfriend, in your own ways.

XOXO

You Can't Live On Love Alone

And now for something completely different...

Now it's my turn to ask you lovely readers for some help in regards to how to make a relationship work even better!

Ok, here we go— yet again another chance for me to prove to you how painfully yet wonderfully new everything about a serious, cohabitating relationship is to me: Mealtimes. How in the name of god do you coordinate two very different people’s shared meals together in the home?

Do you cook; does he cook; do you eat separately; who plans the meals, etc? While we grocery shop together, and our Top 5 Favorite Restaurants are the same, I‘m just not used to someone coming home and asking, “What should we do for dinner?” My general response to this question thus far through the years to family members, roommates, friends, and guys has been something along the lines of, ‘uhhhhh…..eat?’ Adding to the tricky little question, he’s a vegetarian, and very health- and consumer-conscious, while I have been known to consider eating a McDouble, fries, and small soda off the Dollar Menu at McDonald’s a STEAL, and have a bad habit of grazing through whatever is quick and easy in the cabinets of the kitchen instead of making a proper meal, so that when he gets home at 7 and is starved, I’m not hungry until 9.

While we always end up figuring SOMETHING out, it just takes a little longer than I’d (impatiently as always,) like it to. So far, Dominoes has saved our stomachs more than a few times, and I recently had the bright idea of going through our amassed cookbooks together to dog-ear recipes that we’d both like to try to create a bank of dinner ideas, but after that, I’m all tapped out!

So this is the part where I ask you all, especially my wiser and less relationship-challenged readers, to please leave me any tips, hints, or tricks that you’ve found while cohabitating and coexisting with a member of the opposite sex. Grazie mille!

XOXO

Things About Being The Best Girlfriend You Can Be That Nobody Ever Told You:

...Until now.

1.) Sometimes, guys get headaches, too. A night spent together without sleeping together is not a night wasted-- it's life. Just like you have "off" nights, men are allowed to have "off" nights and days, too. Don't take it personally. Enjoy your night of restful sleep. And if you're really torn up about it...there's always the next morning.

2.) Nannying was a really useful summer job to have as far as a skill-set for relationships go. There is absolutely no harm in asking before leaving for a trip if your partner has remembered to pack the essentials: toothbrush, deodorant, underwear, something to sleep in, cell phone charger. If he has, great. If he has somehow overlooked an item or two in his packing, he'll think you're a godsend for remembering what he didn't. It's easy, too-- just think about the things that are REALLY needed for a day or two away; while we may not be able to function without our trusty blowdryer, that's the way he feels about his deodorant. And when in doubt, just as when I was SuperNanny I always had tissues in my back pockets and a big red Mary Poppins purse full of tricks, there are a few things to always carry in your purse to make your union even smoother: tissues, band aids, breath mints or gum, cough drops, a condom or two, and water. Toys to keep him occupied while you're shopping optional.

3.) It's ok to get mad. You have emotions, too. But realize that when you start to withhold affection because of something that you haven't shared with him, you're doing more to damage your relationship than to move past the anger. If you start withholding, he'll start, because he has no clue what's going on unless you tell him. 9 times out of 10, whatever ticked you off was one of your little personality quirks or pet-peeves, and he didn't mean to do it, or doesn't think it's a big deal. You have one of two options: Address it with him, or move past it and let it go on your own. Your sour mood has the ability to affect not only you and your partner, but everyone else around you, too. I realized the other night that my tetchy mood after I felt like my significant other had been ignoring me in a social setting wasn't only dragging down my night out; my bad mood and surly attitude was dragging down him and our friend from having a good time, too. It wasn't fair to any of us, so in a quiet minute alone, I addressed it, we hugged it out, and the rest of our night was fabulous. A quick chat and a hug can repair far more than going an entire night or few days in a funk can.

4.) Let it go. Your past relationships are over, and shouldn't affect your current one any more than your elementary school friends affected your college life. Sometimes, when my ex hadn't shaved in awhile, he reminded me so much of my first boyfriend that I would get completely turned off. Other times in relationships, all the emotional bullshit and trust issues that the ex had put me through resurfaced, and undermined my current relationships, for no reason other than the fact that I was scared what happened to me in the past would happen again, just with another guy. If it's over and done with, let it be over and done with. And if it's still present, the best thing you can do for EVERYONE involved is to set boundaries. Twice now I've had my exes calling and/or texting me after the relationship ended, trying to get with me or see me. For the sake of my current relationships, I set very firm ground rules with them:

A.) Acknowledge the fact that you are in a new, committed, monogamous relationship.

B.) Let them know that while you appreciate their interest in seeing you and/or newfound desire to communicate, it's not the ideal time at the moment because you have other, more pressing issues that need your attention. Like sleep, your job, or going back to date night.

C.) But tell them when it is acceptable. 4 AM is not acceptable; I'm not always alone at night, and I enjoy my beauty sleep. Be firm in telling them to keep their dialing to daylight hours.

D.) If they're not being nice, DO assure them you will not put up with their bullshit any longer, because you're not in a relationship anymore, and you don't have to.

E.) If they are insistent about wanting to see you and talk, do it somewhere neutral, and in public, like a coffee shop or a city park. Having witnesses never hurt-- someone would be bound to see them drag your body away.

F.) Be nice, but be firm. It never cost anyone anything to be civil; remember, at one time, this person meant the world to you. If you can't at least be friendly and/or treat them like a friend, something's wrong. If they need to leave you alone, tell them that. Though it's flattering to hear that the ex wants you back, your priority now should be your new relationship, not your old ones.

5.) Everyone has a different bank account balance. Sometimes, what one partner can spend is different than what the other is capable of, and, as money is very fluid, sometimes that changes from person to person from month to month, or even from week to week. If you can't be generous in your spending, be generous in other things, instead, like in your time or your effort in the relationship. I spend a lot of time at my significant other's, so, to thank him for the nights we spend there and not at my place, I clean his house. It's easy, it doesn't take much time, but it speaks volumes that I value his space and his things as much as I do mine, and he appreciates it. If you've got a little cash, treating your boyfriend to drinks or late-night delivery is always a great "I appreciate you and like taking care of you" gesture. If you are absolutely tapped, a fun time out can be hard. However, it costs nothing to go to a local high school sports game and cuddle in the bleachers, or take a blanket and drive out into the country and go star-gazing. When in doubt, keep track of the things he mentions wanting or needing-- they can be little, like a new pair of sunglasses for summer, or big, like a new bike or the special collector's edition of his favorite TV show. When you DO have cash, referring back to your secret list of his desires will give you a shopping point to start from (great for birthdays, Christmas, and Valentine's Day presents he'll actually care about).

6.) Health issues aren't embarrassing; they're your body. If you can share your body in an intimate way, you should be able to talk openly and freely about why your period isn't going to allow you to have sex for the next 5 days, why the Chinese you just ate is sending you running for the bathroom every 15 minutes, and what a UTI is and why you have one. Women pee, shit, barf, sneeze, fart and cough just like everyone else. A fart during sex isn't the end of the world; please learn to either ignore it and move on like adults, or how to laugh it off together. A good girlfriend can talk about body issues and things relating: her birth control habits, because it's important that he understands them, too; why a clean bathroom at his place with a trash can in it is needed; any body hang-ups she has and how they affect their sex life; and any outstanding health issues that he should be aware of-- if someone needs to accompany you to your doctor visits and your parents aren't in the area, guess who should pony up? While explaining your cycle to your guy may not exactly be like asking your best friend for a tampon, both are people who should understand you, your insides and out.

7.) All girls are taught that when a guy asks you what you want-- for date night, for your birthday, for lunch-- you should say "nothing" so that he thinks you're a laid-back catch of a woman and values you more for that and ends up pulling out all the stops to make you happy. However, we've failed to take in the communication differences between men and women into account. When we tell a guy that we want "nothing" or that we "don't want to do anything special," he's going to take you at face- and word-value, and you'll be getting a whole lot of nothing instead of that whole lot of SOMETHING that you really wanted. And then guess who's going to be the one sulking? Not him. He did EXACTLY what you told him to do. So, take it into account-- while if you ask for nothing you're bound to get nothing, if you ask for EVERYTHING, you're also bound to get nothing. A nice dinner out is perfectly acceptable to ask for for your anniversary. An all-expenses-paid trip to the Taj Mahal is not. If you want the turkey club, or a dinner out, or that bracelet for your birthday, ASK. Don't make him try to read your mind. He'll appreciate your up-front-ness, and both of you will end up winning.

8.) Sometimes, when you ask him what he's thinking while he's staring at you with a goofy grin on his face, and he says "nothing," what he really means is, "I'm honestly not engaging in any brain activity right now, so stop asking me for the answers to life," NOT "I'm thinking about how you're the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen and if I were to ever meet her, I'd tell Megan Fox to get a face-lift to look more like YOU, not the other way around," like you want to hear. So stop asking him what he's thinking...just let him veg peacefully.

9.) If asked about your ex's endowment, DO NOT give solid measurements in inches and diagrams. Be vague, but truthful. Say "You fit me better," or "It wasn't all that great." Penis envy is real, and just like how you REALLY don't want to know if his ex gave better head than you do, he really doesn't need to be thinking about how he measures up to The Hammer.

10.) One of the best things you can do for your relationship is realize that the time you spend annoying each other (and it WILL happen!) is always less than the time you spend loving to be around each other. (If it's the reverse, I think you need to get out-- NOW.) If he's being chipper in the early morning before you've had your coffee and all you really want to do is tell him to shut up, sit down, and leave you alone, remember that this too shall pass, and in the next 10 minutes, he'll go back to being your average, normal, lovable boyfriend. A little memory of the good times together, and a LOT of tolerance goes a looong way in relationships. If he doesn't think he drives you mental at least twice every day because you keep it to yourself and work through it, he'll think you're Mother Teresa's hot young kid sister.

XOXO

Like A Bad Episode Of "Mad Men."

So, that new little widgety thing at the top of the page there, where it says "I Majored In Creative Writing, Why?" and has a donation tab? That's not spam, or an extremely fitting ad. That's what happens when your parents are supportive of your dreams and don't stop you from graduating with a B.S in Writing and no job. So, if you, dear readers, happen to be a little more flush than I am, and enjoy reading what I put up here, throw a couple of dollars at me, and help keep me off the streets and instead, pounding them and the parties and lives of the influential, funny people and writing interesting, informative, and sarcastic little witty things for you to read and be entertained by. Thank you, very, very much, in advance. (My adorable little cat who relies on me for food, shelter, and litter thanks you too, as he has grown very used to being kept in the manner of someone whose housing used to be paid for by college scholarships and is no longer.)

In other news, I am at the S.O's condo all evening, trying to polish off this extremely arduous next Vermont Commons magazine column (which resulted earlier in me cleaning said condo during a bout of writer's block), and roasting a whole chicken, potatoes, and carrots so that the S.O will have dinner when he gets home from work. With a nice bottle of Italian white wine, perfectly aerated. (Italy was possibly the best finishing school I could have ever been sent to. Cooking lessons, everything there is to know about good Italian wines and liquor, and how to extricate myself from a very vehement European would-be Don Juan while hurting no one's feelings. Now, THAT'S an education for you; you can hold my B.S!)

Like I said, between that, and listening to him and his friends talk business in posh bars while getting quietly drunk in the corner of the table, what is this, the freaking '50s again?

But no, babe, I love it, really! (Now would be a good time to let y'all know he reads SATCG, so, if you want to know if he has any cute, similarly considerate and funny, single friends [which he does], now would be a good time to send a shout-out in the comments section! Or just for doing a great job all around at keeping me occupied and happy.)

XOXO

Just Friends...?

One of the hardest things about dating someone is trying to get an idea of the web of their friendships. While you may meet the best friends if you make it through the preliminary rounds of courtship, and while you may be taken to places, parties, or events where you meet some of the outer circle, the "good for a fun time" friends, you'll never get to meet everyone, or neatly sort out all the knots of confusion into neat, tidy little bundles of friendship strings. What can be hardest yet is qualifying the relationship the guy you're seeing has with his girl friends-- as a woman, you always have to wonder...is there something else there? What is the best way to ask if there's something more going on between him and his female friend he seems to be very close with? IS there even an easy way to ask anyone this without sounding like a total freak of nature?

Recently, I've been driving myself borderline insane trying to figure out the answer to this question. While I may currently be in a relationship, and monogamous, and everything seems to be going well, that question that shouldn't be asked seems to keep rising its ugly green head and begging to be asked: You've been talking a lot about a certain person recently; is there something I should know about? I'm fragile from the answer to this question being answered incorrectly in the past, and I need more reassurance and feedback on it than the average, well-adjusted woman does because of it. I get that I may just be A Little Crazy about it. But at the heart of the matter lies an even deeper-seated question: Can men and women Just Be Friends?

My friend Robin doesn't think so. Robin and I spent 4 months studying abroad in Italy together, and hence got very close. Robin, coincidentally, has been the guy most despised by every man I've been in a relationship with since. When I got back from Italy, my current flame questioned me up and down about Robin, then snubbed him at a party later on when he showed up to say "hi" to me. Very early on in seeing each other, the guy I'm currently seeing asked for the 4-1-1 on Robin, himself. Poor, misinterpreted Robin is a believer in Ladder Theory, himself-- the theory taken from "When Harry Met Sally" that a man and a woman are incapable of being platonic friends without one desiring something more.

Maybe I should be appeased by the fact that the guy I'm currently seeing thinks that Ladder Theory is complete bullshit, and that he has many perfectly functional friendships with women that are purely platonic...from his side, at least, he admitted, one morning when we went downtown and I asked him about it as we waited for our breakfast sandwiches by the beverage coolers. Or maybe I shouldn't listen to that at all, as not five minutes later, a girl appeared, and they hugged, exchanged pleasantries as all around were introduced, and after she and her friends left, he turned to me, slightly pink, and said, "Well, that was kind of funny. She's had a crush on me for over two years, but I just don't find her attractive at all." Hmmmm. So, CAN a man and a woman just be friends, or is all my round-and-round, hamster-wheel worrying actually energy spent on something worthwhile to ponder?

I try to temper myself by reminding myself that I am an undeniable Guy's Girl-- I always have more platonic male friends than female-- and that at one time, one of my closest guy friends, if not my CLOSEST guy friend, admitted he found me attractive and tried taking me out for dinner before we both decided it was maybe a little too awkward. But nothing EVER happened, or ever even ALMOST happened, and he and my other guy friends would ask me to come over and just hang because, sometimes, guys just like to have a girl friend around. I get this. I know this. I am usually That Girl that my guys call to come over when they feel the need to have a double-X chromosome make up in the room to balance out all the testosterone. The Older Brother/Younger Sister/Best Friends relationship dynamics are now firmly in place. There's no question anymore about the fact that I'm just a chill girl. Nothing makes me happier than to have a beer in hand, sitting on someone's couch, watching a movie and shooting the shit in a sweater and jeans. But am I always perceived as such, especially when I'm dressed in heels and a sweater-dress, or am I always like that? No. And when I found myself dressing (relatively) up and re-applying my make-up one night after I invited my best guy friend out to eat dinner with me, I realized that if I am doing it, maybe I should cut other girls doing it a break, even if the thought of another woman whom I'm still ambiguous about her intentions out at lunch with the guy I'm seeing makes me a little queasy.

I've been benign about this thus far, but I've been relaxed about this in the past and it's come back to bite me in the ass, so I'd just like to be clear about what's going on. Maybe I need to know that I'm not the only one really sticking my pale neck out there, trying this thing on for real.

XOXO

6 Quick Tips To A Better Relationship

Clear space out in your life for them, literally. Yes, yes, we all heard first-hand from me what a bitch it was to lump all my tank tops and long sleeves together in my closet, but making a shelf for the guy I'm seeing has ended up not only being functional so that the extra pairs of socks and shirts he keeps here don't get mixed in my my cast-off clothing, but also, a great visual reminder behind my closet door that it's not just me and my girl clothes in there anymore. Even when he's not here, his stinky socks are, which is strangely more endearing than it sounds.

Spend the night where you normally wouldn't. I had an important doctor's appointment last week in the morning, and it's a 2 hour drive from here to my hometown. Fortunately, TGIS lives basically halfway between my college home and my permanent, parental address, and offered to have me come down to him and spend the night before there so I only had to drive an hour in the morning and could get some extra zzz's (in theory, at least). It was charming and enlightening to be in his world (and house) for the night, and to sleep in his bed and watch his TV shows. If you never spend the night at his place because, ick, can you say man-cave?, I'd suggest you woman up and do it, if just for one night. Not only is he in his comfortable territory, but you both get to do something new. If you already swap nights between your place and your S.O's, go somewhere else overnight like a B&B or hotel or offer to house-sit for a friend who's going out of town. Moving your relationship somewhere it normally doesn't exist gives you a fresh perspective.

Uphold your couple habits. I've said it time and time before-- you shouldn't have to talk to your S.O every day. And yet, I'm currently involved in a relationship, as shown, that it's weird to not at least send at least a single text in every day. Case in point: I've been going through a lot of personal things lately, and have talked to the guy I'm seeing about how I really need support right now. Yesterday was kind of a down day for me, and I didn't hear from him, which didn't make me feel any peppier-- until he sent me a completely random, inside-joke text at 1:42 in the morning. I may have been juuuust about to fall asleep, but knowing that he reached out before I did let me sleep so much more soundly. The key here with communication is to uphold without going overboard or smothering-- You don't want to be the type of girl who dominates his Facebook wall, and you also don't want to horn into his time with the boys, though I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you posted random, funny things you find on Youtube from time to time, or if you sent him a single "thinking of you, you great big stud-muffin"-y text or a risqué photo to remind him what he's missing on boy's night. Moderation-- as with in things like drinking, drugs, and shopping-- is the key.

Shower together. During that time of the month, extracurricular relationship activities come to a slow-down for me, and showering together is one of the things that I've found that you can do that's a little romantic, a little sexy, and great for bonding. You don't even have to start anything-- just the feeling of your two naked bodies in a close space doing something most people don't get to see promotes feelings of trust and intimacy. Plus, it's environmentally friendly, blah, blah, blah. Just don't, like, shave with him watching or anything. That would kill intimacy, not foster it.

Cook dinner. If he can/wants to help, that's icing on the cake, but more than anything, you can really get off on a big relationship boost of providing for someone's basic need: to eat. Have a few quick, under 30-minute go-to recipes mastered that you know you both enjoy-- I make a mean risotto that I learned in Italy that TGIS calls "bitchin'," so if he's over and hasn't eaten dinner yet, I make sure I always have the ingredients to whip it up. (No one is EVER getting my secret special recipe, but you can find a similar, definite man-friendly risotto with bacon recipe here.)

Enforced bonding activities. This may not sound like much fun, but if I could, I'd make EBAs mandatory in relationships. They're the things that really aren't fun, but prove to each other that you're willing to put up with them when the shit hits the fan. Cases in point: Retracing steps and keeping a level head when they lose their credit card. Digging each other's cars out after a winter storm. Meeting the parents. Attending your S.O's work functional as their +1. EBAs prove that when the chips are down, you're by their side and not going anywhere fast, which is possibly one of the most heartening and affirming things that you can do or receive in a relationship.

What are some of your best relationship tips?

XOXO

Countdown to V-Day.

Be A Sexy Secretary: All women in relationships live in fear during the week before February 14th that the guy they're with is going to completely forget that it's actually a beloved (and despised) national holiday. While I may not be the most organizationally-forward person when it comes to remembering important dates myself, I've met far more men that are actually worse than I am at remembering what they're doing on any given Tuesday, let alone a holiday that only comes once a year. So, if you want to give him a (very) friendly reminder that his presence would be greatly appreciated (and most probably reciprocated) on that day, play a little dirty: Send him a sexy picture reminder. Most the women I know (myself included) never wait to the last minute to stock up for V-Day, and I, the Underwear Queen, more than anyone else knows how painful it can be to have brand-new lingerie sitting in your closest, waiting to be worn until the proper day. HOWEVER, there's a way to justify getting dressed up early. No one wants to be a nag-- be sexy instead! If you take a photo or two of you in your Valentine's Day best and text it to him a day or two before with a message like "Hope to see you Monday night!" or "Unwrap me for Valentine's Day?" chances are, he'll actually remember to be there, and maybe even remember to get you a lil' sumthin'. I promise-- it won't ruin the surprise. And if you really don't want to show him all the goodies yet-- wear another outfit, but use the tactic.

(NOTE: Be smart about what you share. If you're nervous or shy, if you haven't been together long, if you don't trust him, or if he has a record of "sharing," either abstain from the photo and send a purely textual message, or make sure that your face and any other distinguishing marks aren't visible in the photo.)

All Wrapped Up (In Love): Speaking of lingerie and sexy little things, I shamelessly recycle the tissue paper they wrap your items in at Vickie's as gift wrap for other people's gifts, and the silk ribbon bag handles to tie them or make decorative bows. It's eco-sexy. Plus, hilarious to see the look on a guy's face when you hand him something wrapped in pink.

V-Day Made Easy, For The Fellas: Hi. Let me take this moment to remind you, this coming Monday, February 14th, is Valentine's Day. I know. It sucks. I'm sorry. You may want to remember that or keep that in mind. Now let's suck it up and get serious about this shit.

If you're seeing a girl, dating a girl, in a relationship with a girl, playing a girl, sleeping with a girl, engaged to a girl, married to a girl, or, hell, if you even KNOW a girl, expect that she got you something. Please know that "don't get me anything" RARELY actually means "don't get me anything" when coming from a woman's mouth. Expect that she will probably be expecting or wanting something in return. DO NOT expect that you have to be left in the dark about what to do, or that it has to cost you a small fortune, the price your left kidney will fetch on the black market, or your future child together's college education. The good news is, there are some inherent things that men do that drive us ladies wild, in a good way. I'm particularly partial to the freshly washed man-- just this morning, I told the guy I'm seeing when he walked back into the bedroom from taking a shower that him with a towel wrapped around his waist and nothing else on but body hair is one of my favorite sights in the world. Give me about 10 minutes of concentrated and uninterrupted staring at that, and I'm good for the day. (Yes, we objectify you too.)

A few things other than the time-honored toweled man that will satiate your lady's desire for romance and surprise on V-Day, ranging from costing you nothing to things that will cost you a little bit of dignity or a chunk of change (lucky girl!):

- Whatever it is, first of all, surprising us with it is always a good idea. A smart woman is very rarely actually surprised. If you can pull it off, you can charm her.

- Cook for her. It doesn't matter what you cook-- you could be Anthony Bourdain whipping up lamb ribs with a mint/tarragon aioli, or you could be a college boy stirring the contents of a box of Kraft mac n' cheese on the stove top, but whenever a woman sees a man standing in a kitchen, holding a cooking utensil, and doing something with food, it makes you look like Arthur pulling the sword out of the stone and hits us in a very primal spot. I think it's called Instant Love.

- Clean up a little, both personally and physically. Shower. Shave. Find a fresh pair of socks. And if she finds you folding her laundry (separate lights from darks or whites from colors, and when in doubt, DON'T DRY IT IN THE DRYER UNLESS IT'S 100% COTTON!) or holding the handle of a running vacuum, I guarantee you-- Best Boyfriend Award for WEEKS.

- I know some of us (myself included) will tell you that chocolate and flowers are over-played. Some women (including myself) are bullshit. What we DON'T like are generic bouquets and Russell Stover heart boxes. Go for her favorite bunch of flowers, or something bright and colorful, and Godiva. My dad got my mom and I classy, understated roses (Mom's, red; mine, the cream-colored ones with the pink or purple tips-- god, I love them,) and gourmet chocolate every year. Our abiding love for him is a good Exhibit A as to why unless she says "I'm allergic," flowers still do something special to every girl. And if you do go for the dozen red roses with baby's breath and red foil box, yadda yadda yadda...unless she's a Grade A bitch, she'll still appreciate the effort you put in, anyway.

- Jewelry is always good. Always. I say this as a jeweler's daughter and sales associate who watched hundreds of men pour in the shop's front doors every year, not as a woman. Here are a few tips I learned in the trade for making sure she actually will like what you drop money on:

1.) Take note of the kind of jewelry she wears regularly. Is she a ring person with one on nearly every finger? Or are bangles and bracelets more her style? Does she only wear the necklace her dead grandmother gave her on her deathbed, and would never think of taking it off in favor of another? Does she have an earring collection, or does she even have pierced ears? What's her favorite gem or birthstone? Is she a silver or gold girl? What's her style? While I may have grown up with precious stones and tennis bracelets, only a small percentage of the jewelry I wear every day is real-- the rest are souvenirs from places I've traveled (rings from Italy and St. John's,) a signature dichroic glass pendant on my necklace that I will almost NEVER take off, and bangles that I'll switch in and out depending on my mood and the look I'm going for-- either wood or cheap metal ones. Scoping what she wears everyday and what's in her jewelry box will give you a good idea as to the type of jewelry she likes to wear and what she'd get the most wear out of-- if she wears the same 2 rings every day, a ring may not be the road to go, but if she mixes and matches necklaces or earrings, those would probably be safe to get her something new. It doesn't even have to be expensive-- the majority of the jewelry I treasure cost under $50-- it just has to be her.

2.) Make sure it's the right size, especially for rings. When in doubt, snag a ring that she won't miss for a day to take it in and match what you're buying up with the right size.

3.) Get it gift-wrapped. Unless you were an origami CHAMP in elementary school, it's probably best to get someone at the store to do it for you.

4.) If it's in a square box-- be it a ring, earrings, or pendant-- give us a minute to catch our breath when you give it to us. We're pre-conditioned about square boxes...we're sorry, we can't help it, just bear with us until we start breathing regularly again.

- Can't go wrong with a few things: Victoria's Secret gift card. Books, movies, or tickets to a show she's wanted to see. A candlelit bubble bath drawn up and waiting for her when she gets home (cheesy, yes, but classic for a reason-- this is the holiday of romantic Velveeta moments). A mix CD or playlist that you compiled for her. Dinner and a fairly nice restaurant and a move. Drinks or cocktails at a lounge-- dressed up. A hand-in-hand walk after dark. Massages. Sex. Cuddling. Or going out drinking in moderately decent clothing, followed by a drunken stumble home in the dark while holding each other up, some messy foreplay, sex, and not falling asleep snoring directly afterwards. That works, too. Hey. We're not all gooey and mushy.

- Good god, hold the plushy toys and cards, unless you're dating jailbait. If you are, make sure to have her back by curfew. Also, please go register with your local Neighborhood Watch chapter.

- Fix something for her-- her car, her computer, the floor in her apartment that needs to be redone, the old paint in the bathroom that's chipping and needs a fresh coat. Whatever you're naturally good at, lend her your talents.

- Tell her she's gorgeous. The best thing you can do for us is really just to tell us that you like us. That we smell nice. That we're pretty. That you like being with us. That you think you're lucky. That you'd do a lot for us, like brave the hordes at a flower shop at 5 o'clock on the 14th because you suddenly remember that we love Gerber daisies. That she looks slammin' in whatever she bought for the occasion. Laugh at the pink wrapping paper. Kiss her "thank you." Say "thank you." Be genuine with her, and she'll fall for it faster than she ever would for a dozen red roses. (...It's still a good idea to have something small. Just sayin'-- don't shoot the messenger.)

Hope that cleared some things up for you, and best of luck with getting lucky.

XOXO

Say "Thank You."

Coming up on under a month to go until Valentine's Day (ick, ugh, roar,) I've (and I'm sure, the rest of the world has, too,) been spending a lot of time lately trying to come up with ideas for small things to do for the guy I'm seeing on or around that date. While we haven't been together long enough to do anything quite as grand and stunning as the couple's massage/day at the exclusive gym/dinner at the gourmet restaurant that one of my friends is planning for her live-in boyfriend of over a year thanks to a hotel's stellar Valentine's Day discount incentives, seeing as my guy spoils me rotten, I want to do a little something for him, too. The problem is, I've NEVER been with a guy for Valentine's Day, and I'm a little freaked out at the thought that I may be, this year, and I want to blow it out of the water right, the first time. (I'm not a highly-motivated obsessive-compulsive perfectionist or anything.) Pressure, pressure, pressure.

I'm big on spoiling my guys, be it either on Valentine's Day, or any other day of the week that ends in "-day." It can be little things-- picking up his favorite magazine while you're already out grocery shopping and see it while you're standing in line and waiting for the slow check out girl to hurry up with her bagging, already, or giving a $10 gift card to someone's favorite store to go towards their next inevitable purchase-- that show that you're invested in making someone happy. I knew the guy I'm seeing was a winner when he went out to grab food one night for dinner and came back with bad news...as well as something else. "I got a call, and I have to leave, but I brought you back dinner...and breakfast for tomorrow morning," he told me. As we all know, I've been going through a financial roller coaster, and knowing that he wanted to provide for me, even if he couldn't be there, was exceptionally touching. His stock went up.

That's exactly what it is-- it's the little things that tell someone you're a keeper--buying him a drink, giving him a spur-of-the-moment back massage, letting him sleep in. Because if you'll do those things for him on your own accord, it gets him thinking about what you'd do for him if/when you REALLY love him. Not every woman gives her guy her Netflix account password and sets him up with unlimited instant entertainment. But nearly every woman will give a blowjob. The latter is nearly expected. The former is not expected, greatly appreciated, and fucking free, with a great emotional pay-off.

Some other instant brownie point winners to set you apart from the rest of the female crowd:

- If he's light on boxers (or briefs, or those heaven-sent and god-created boxer-briefs,) or socks, pick him up a few cheap but fun pairs. Chances are, his mom, exes, or best girl friend are the ones who usually bought them for him, and the hole his big toe is sticking out of isn't paramount in his mind on the list of Things To Do or Get. Spoil his inner child just a little bit more by getting a few new pairs and taking that item off his plate of things to stress out about when he opens an empty drawer and suddenly remembers what he's been forgetting to buy.

- Food really is one of the best ways into a man's heart. A simple home-cooked meal is a favorite among guys, especially when you're in the comfortable and slightly broke section of dating. If you let him help you prepare it-- chopping the vegetables, stirring the pot, mixing the salad dressing-- he'll feel even better about the meal he helped create, AND may learn some hands-on cooking skills for the next time he's solo in the kitchen. If you feed a man, he'll be satiated for one meal. If you teach him how to cook, he'll be mostly satiated most of the time you're not around to cook with or for him.

- If he's a frequent overnight guest, like my boy is, make sure than you have sufficient amenities for him in the morning. A (new!) extra toothbrush, some manly soap, and a towel he knows is "his" to use will go a long way toward making his mornings (and nights!) more comfortable. Plus, you don't have to kiss morning breath, so really, it's win/win. Also, if he's approaching other roommate status, and it looks like neither of you are going anywhere else fast, carving out a drawer or a shelf in your closet for him to have a change of clothes or at least a place to leave a spare shirt and pair of boxers and socks would be a nice gesture.

- Keep a few of his favorite snacks around. If he's partial to orange juice, keep some in your fridge. If he goes crazy over movie theater-style popcorn, get a few packs so that next time the two of you are staying in to watch a movie, he's got something to munch happily on other than your crunchy, fruity granola.

- And possibly the easiest, more meaningful tip of all: Every time you see him, pay him one compliment to let him know how much he means to you. It can be something like "I think you're such a babe, you know that?" or "You're honestly one of the most interesting people I've ever met," or a simple "Thank you for doing everything it is you do for me; I really appreciate it." This is what will keep him from straying when a random chick at a bar tells him he's hot; this is what he'll remember you love about him next time he's feeling down; this is what will make him want to be all those things you compliment him about, for YOU. A guy who knows how you feel about him is a guy who is content, satisfied, and clear on what he's expected of.

Recently, I did what I preached and took him out to lunch, on me. I know that the standard and traditional scheme looks like the guy paying for everything, but I was amazed how relaxed and right it felt to pick up the tab when it hit the restaurant table. Best yet was when he reached across the table...for my hand, not the check. He picked it up, pressed it between his, kissed it, and looked me straight in the eyes and said "thank you." Everyone, take note--- this is not only a great way to show heartfelt appreciation if you need to cop this move for your own, but it also got my heartstrings strumming a little. It struck me this morning as I curled around the warmth of his back and breathed in that I am so lucky. So, so lucky. Which is exactly why I just spent the last 3 hours researching the perfect men's facial lotion for the boy with the impeccable facial hair and beard who always complains about dryness and itchiness for Valentine's Day. It must be extreme fondness, or another emotion like it.

XOXO

P.S-- While these are all idea slanted towards your significant other, boyfriend, or the significant man in your life, please note that with a little tweaking, similar things can be used to show appreciation for the important friends in your life, and they'd be just as welcome. I'm sure your roommate would be surprised and touched if you brought her home the latest issue of Cosmopolitan randomly, or your always-there-to-pull-you-back-together work buddy would appreciate if you took them out for Happy Hour drinks after a particularly trying day at the office. Remember, while your romantic relationships may be the ones you focus on because they're getting you laid and potentially setting you up for the rest of your life, you'd be nowhere without your friends and family, who are always the ones who help take care of you when the romances fail or falter. Show love to all.

What NOT To Do In A Relationship

I've talked a lot about what you should do in a relationship. We've bonded over shared stories of where we all went wrong. We've even discussed how to make being single more fun and less lonely. But something that a lot of time hasn't been spent on is what NOT to do in a relationship. The bad news is, these things can only be learned after they go wrong, and some relationships don't snap back from these sort of things. The good news is, you can take my and my girl friend's sharp learning curves and apply them to your life, maybe before you experience these bad behaviors in yourself. Here are the 7 most important lessons we've compiled from our dating histories. While I have never snooped in a beau's phone, a friend of mine did, to disastrous results, which more firmly implanted in me a desire to never spring into action over that curiosity, and now, might nip your yearning in the bud, too. And while we all have wished sometimes that we could change a man, I'm here to tell you that sorry, doll, but you can't. What are these things that brand you in a relationship as brightly as a scarlet letter?

Never, EVER, EVER look in his phone or email or planner or what have you. Believe me. It is not worth it to you to put yourself in that kind of pain if you DO find something that upsets you. Women have great intuition, so trust it. If you think he's creeping, he's probably creeping. So, make like I do, assume the worst, and act from there. What do I hate more than nearly anything? When the guy in bed next to me is getting texts at 2 AM. Do I assume some of these are from other women? Oh, totally. So instead of snooping around and either making myself feel like an idiot or making me someone he feels like he can't trust, I assume that if I were to look at his phone, yeah, I'd see other women. I don't like it, but it gives me enough of a shell that were I to ever be there at the same time as another woman (oh, and but it happened TWICE,) I'm ready to act with class, and not distress. And if he really isn't creeping? Then you all can feel better about it. Maybe I'm jaded, but I've learned to operate on "plan for the worst; expect the best." I expect to be considered the best and that a man would have the decency to acknowledge this, but I plan because sometimes we need to remember that people are, in fact, just people, and therefore, fallible.

REMEMBER-- Until you have the discussion about it, assumption can make an ass out of you, but it can also prepare you to either be strong, or pleasantly relieved. Also, would you want him going through your phone? OH, HELL NO.

In the words of The Clash, do not NOT stand by your man. If your friend is talking shit, prove her wrong. If your mom isn't his biggest fan, tell her the reasons why she should be. (The best argument for this is that he makes you genuinely happy.) Basically, be as loyal to him as you hope he's loyal to you. I've proved loyalty more times than I'd like. I've stuck through legal troubles, some dubiously unlawful activities, infidelities, and long-ass distances because I feel that when you find a good man, you don't let him go so easily, even if there are learning curves that may be a little steep.

What does loyalty mean to you? Is it something you can turn your head the other way from, or is it a deal-breaker? I can tell you from experience that turning the other way is more painful than it does good, even if it does stave off an epic WWIII blow-out. But sometimes it's more important to stand up for yourself and have that blow-up than to keep letting someone disrespect you.

Don't be together every day. Take some time off from each other. You start to appreciate each other more for the things you do, whether it's the way you bring him his favorite ice cream for a night in watching movies on the couch, or the way he smells when he sleeps at night. The best times I've ever had in relationships are the times when there's a little bit of absence. I'm an only child, so I'll admit it-- I like my space. If I spend the night at a guy's house, I prefer not to see him or talk to him the next day after I go home. I'm under the impression that everything that needs to be said has been said, and done, at least for a little while. You both should get to chillax without the other. In a recent interview with Katy Perry, it was noted that she started reading now-husband Russell Brand's memoir, "My Booky Wook," after they started dating, but, she said, "...then I stopped because I was like, I can't eat, sleep, and shit you. I need to just experience you." I think these are incredibly wise words from someone who has made major bank off of the fact that she kissed a girl and liked it. You CAN'T, and SHOULDN'T eat, sleep, and shit anyone other than yourself.

This also applies to phones. I was smitten when a guy I was seeing called me on the days we didn't see each other just to check in, but then again, HE was the one calling ME, not vice-versa.Don't be the blowing-up-the-phone girl. Let someone else be her, because she doesn't get responded to for long. Leave some silence in hopes that he's the sort of guy who will want to talk to YOU when he has something he wants to say, or needs a secondary opinion. Or just wants to say hey. Conversely, when you're in a really comfortable, effortless relationship, it doesn't really matter who calls whom, because it's not that big of a deal. When you're into each other equally, you know it. You lose the stress. That's a really nice place to be.

Don't be a bitch. Don't be a nag. Don't put the other person down needlessly. You say something you shouldn't have, you take a quiet moment to apologize for it later. End of story. Same applies toward men. You too, sir-- don't be a bitch.

The only flip-side to this is that sometime egos running rampant need a check. You should be comfortable enough with your S.O to provide that check, and know when to provide that check. They should also be able and willing to do the same for you.

Don't be a little piggy. I hope that you are not the only thing going for him in a man's life. I hope he has friends and family and a job and hobbies. I hope he has a favorite sports team and favorite TV shows and a favorite beer. I hope he plans vacations or at least road trips or hikes with his friends. I hope you're not the only person he goes out to eat with (in a non-romantic or dating capacity, that is. Then, I SINCERELY hope you're the only person he's going out to eat with). So, don't be little Miss Piggy and hog all his time. He needs time drinking beer and yelling at the TV screen with his boys. He needs to take his mom out to brunch and play with his nieces and nephews. He needs to work over-time to pay rent at times. Even if you don't needto do all those things as well, you need to realize that he does, and let him do them, sans you.

How would you feel if you had a girl's night planned full of cocktails and gossip and getting dressed up and going out to innocently flirt with other guys who you'll never see or talk to again (the girl's equivalent to a guy's game night with his dudes), and your S.O decided he was coming out with you? It'd just about put a dampener on everything, wouldn't it? So don't you be the dampener in his life! Respect each other's time and space and separate activities. (This includes cell phone privacy. If you want to tell each other who's calling, you can. But it's not obligational. I got into a spat with a guy over this. Same deal-- don't ask; don't tell.)

You can't change a man. I've been remarkably lucky in relationships for the past 2 years. The last 3 guys I've been with have all been the most intriguing, most considerate, and yes, most gorgeous I have ever dated. Last summer's was a virtual Greek athletic god on Earth; last fall's was ever so popular and out-going; and the most recent, well...the most recent has been not only quite possibly the most stunning person I've ever met, but also the most interesting, as well. But as attractive and impressive as all of these men have been, it still doesn't mean that they all were perfect. There were things about all of them that I would have changed, given the chance, and a magic wand. But as I learned, in the sleepy-and-whiny-5-year-old's-early-morning-hour's voice of the most recent, you "don't try to change meeeeeeee!" You can't change a man. You just can't. There are things that you can suggest-- like using a variety of punctuation, possibly investing in some boxer-briefs (the Wonderbra for men; I'm serious, they're like magic), or trying out some new positions in bed-- but you will never make spots into stripes. If you're with a leopard, and looking for a zebra, cut ties, and don't waste both your time trying to make an herbivore out of a carnivore.

Just like you can't really change a woman. I guess empathy is a big thing here. I know we're all guilty of making demands or suggestions that aren't the most graceful-- and here's my mea culpa-- but think of how you'd take it if a guy told you he hated the way you wear your hair, or wanted you to spend half the time it takes for you to get ready in the morning cuddling with him instead. I think we all know how that'd go over-- like a lead balloon. Like the Hindenburg crashing and burning. But with more fireworks.

For god's sake, don't let yourselves become boring! We all have routines. I'll admit it. After a lot of time spent together, we tend to develop habits. We're all guilty of this. You spend the night on Tuesdays, Friday, and Sundays. He makes lasagna for the two of you once a week. You have-- heaven save us all-- a sex routine down-pact. There is more to life than this! SHAKE THINGS THE FUCK UP. Don't spend the night on a Tuesday. Spend a Wednesday. Ask him to make something new, and tackle a different recipe together. Wear some lingerie to bed. For god's sake, try a new position. Variety is the spice of life.

But make sure to keep the things that you do love to do together consistent. Talk to each other about your favorite things to do together. (Yes, sex can be one of them.) Commit to doing those things with each other, even if it's a random, last-minute plan. (Not as in, "Hey, you're at work and on deadline with a really important project, and I'm grabbing lunch at our favorite spot-- wanna play hooky and come?" Even though that might be fun. More like, "Hey, I know the show starts in 5 minutes, but if you leave to come over now, you'll only miss the opening credits, and I can fill you in," or, "I'm at the bar, and the seasonal brews just came out! Wanna come down and grab a pint?") Watching favorite TV shows together is a great weekly bonding ritual. Spending a night together a week is crucial for keeping up with not only each other's lives, but also in keeping up your connection. Chemistry just happens sometimes, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have to be nurtured, just like everything else.

Feel free to comment with your own dating revelations and tips on things NOT to do, or the cases in which there are exceptions to the rules.

XOXO

Bad Romance

I'm not the most romantic girl in the world, but there are definitely some things that get me going. Conversely, there are some "classic" romantic moves that make me feel like I just gagged on about two feet of Spam. One ex of mine made me melt every time he called me "Babygirl," while another drove me away with his constant holding of my knee while he drove MY car. To this day, if you touch my knee while I'm in the passenger seat, you can watch my skin crawl. Moral of the story: I am, possibly, one of the most quirky people you may ever meet. (Which is why I think a large majority of the men I have relationships with go on to date extremely normal, sometimes borderline boring girls after me. I acknowledge that I can be exhausting.) But what works for one girl may not work for another. Same goes for men. Some like their facial hair being stroked, and some have such thick hair follicles that it hurts. Make educated moves. Though most of these are angled as romantic moves for men to make, there are certainly some that can swing both ways, so ladies, sit up and pay attention. I'm talkin' to YOU. If he's squirming (in an unpleasant way,) while you're trying to grab ass in public, it may be time to stop. There's romantic, and then there's creepy.

Romantic: Home-cooked meals.

Creepy: That thing where you leave a trail of rose petals that leads to somewhere. Maybe I'm just jaded in that I've seen too many thrillers and TV shows about abduction and murder that start that way. But if I came home to a trail like that, I'd pick up the closest long, blunt object and run out the door again, screaming.

Romantic: Playing an instrument and/or singing to someone.

Creepy: Staring intensely into their eyes while doing it.

Romantic: Getting an animal together. (If, you know, you're in a long-term, committed relationship together that involves at least significant cohabitation. Otherwise, get a fish.)

Creepy: Training it to recognize your significant other as "Daddy" or "Mommy." I had an ex who trained his beagle to run to me when he told him to "Go to Mommy!" I liked the dog more than the man.

Romantic: Cleaning. I hate cleaning. I consider it very sexy when a man cleans. And if you know what bleach, is-- WHELP, get ready for some lovin'.

Creepy: Cleaning in a French Maid outfit. If you're a man.

Romantic: Calling "just to check in."

Creepy: Calling "just to check in." 3 times a day.

Romantic: Holding hands.

Creepy: Pet-names so nauseating that they would make the Pillsbury Doughboy swear off ever eating sweets again. Stick to the classics: Babe, Baby, Baby Boy, Baby Girl, Honey, Hun, Sweetheart, Love, Cupcake, etc. No "Schnookie-wookie Lovie-kins." Jesus.

Romantic: Choosing "your" song. Together. No executive decisions, here.

Creepy: Giving jewelry before you hit 6 months together.

Romantic: Being a little public about your relationships. Not as in mad PDAs, but periodically standing or sitting next to each other, or doing some light petting: a hand on a lower back, arm, or shoulder, or leaning on each other.

Creepy: Having to be touching at ALL TIMES. Touching something. Anything. Even things not rated PG-13 in public.

Romantic: Showing up unexpectedly (or, I guess, expectedly,) with something small: a six-pack, a single specimen of their favorite flower (mine, coincidentally, happens to be hot pink Gerber daisies, if you were so wondering), a McDouble from McDonald's ($1! And no onions, thanks), or a movie, CD, or book. (This is also a good gesture to make with friends, too. Everyone likes feeling special and thought of.)

Creepy: Stalking. I shouldn't have to go into detail. If you're wondering about it, you're stalking. (But no, Facebook does not count.)

Romantic: Fact-- nibbling on some body parts, like earlobes, jaw lines, etc., feels good.
Creepy: Coming up from behind someone. And biting them. (You've been watching too much True Blood. I've been watching too much True Blood.)

Romantic: Doing things you both enjoy together, or inviting the other to something if you know they'd be interested. Cases in point: Hikes, concerts, trips to new restaurants, parties, game nights, TV events (read: football), local festivals or events.

Creepy: Leaving things around the apartment of someone you're not actually seeing, unless you're an extremely frequent house-guest.

Romantic: Surprising someone when they get home by being waiting there for them.
Creepy: Surprising someone when they get home by being waiting there for them.

It really depends on who it is doing the waiting.

And I'll amend this one from my past thoughts:

Romantic: Cuddling all night long in the winter. (Maybe that's just more self-serving for me, but yes, I do enjoy body heat.)

Creepy: Cuddling all night long. During the hottest days of summer. With no air conditioning.

XOXO

Editor's Note to Men: If you're wondering what the lady in your life considers "romantic," I have to level with you-- a lot of the time, she'll have already told you. Maybe not in so many words, but women drop hints like the Air Force drops bombs. (Equally devastating.) I know that while intuitive listening and remembering seemingly small and insignificant details may not be your thing, it'll really get you far. And if you'd enjoy getting laid "just because," I'd listen in a little more. (Yeah, that is how we reward. True story.) As for you guys, I know the majority of men I've been with come right out and say when they either dig or really don't dig something, so thanks for being easier and more up-front with that. I guess women just prefer to be "surprised" by these kinds of things.

Things Men Like

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"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open."- John Barrymore

Do you know when I feel sexiest? When I'm happy. It's a stupidly simple formula-- when you feel good, you feel good. People tend to discount it because of the fact it is so simple, which is probably one of the worst mistakes you can make. I'm having a good day today; I got my monstrous paper for one of my classes finished last night and handed it in; it was sunny, even though it was ass-numbingly cold out; I'm looking forward to going out and catching up with a friend later; I got paid and so am out of over-draw in my bank account; I've got a lot of other things going well and making me happy right now. What can I say? I'm a lucky girl. And the best part is, is that I know it. I'm not taking anything for granted at the moment; I'm just living moment-to-moment, like a particularly felicitous hitch-hiker.

Though it's nearly impossible to whip yourself into a good mood, I've found a few things that never fail to work for me:

- One of the things that makes me feel happiest is to grab a good cup of coffee, get my new monthly issues of Cosmopolitan and Glamour, and read, sip, and relax to some good music. Indulge yourself harmlessly like this. It's my once-a-month date with myself. Spend time for yourself, by yourself. Your time is precious. You give it to other people. Now give that same gift to yourself.

- Make a playlist of songs that make you crack a smile every time you hear them. Music is one of the greatest mood-elevators of all. Just hearing a familiar song from someone else's headphones makes me grin. Today, I passed a guy blasting Beck's "Girl," which is one of my all-time favorite songs, let alone one of the ringtones in my phone I love to hear go off.
Here are a few I love:
"I'll Be Your Man"- The Black Keys
"Mama's Room"- Under The Influence Of Giants
"Girl"- Beck
"Love You Madly"- Cake
"Who Knows"- Marion Black
"Do What You Want"- OK Go

- Around this time of year, I love going for chilly strolls downtown to see the lights and decorations. Church Street is beautiful. Check out your own metropolitan area-- the lights and people-watching are superb. Make up stories about passer-bys over coffee or tea or hot chocolate for some free amusement. Bringing a friend along to see who can come up with the most creative or crazy story tops it all off.

- Spend some time with animals. (And no, your wild guy friends don't count.) Possibly the best gift I've been given this year is the chance to take my friend's dog home again for the holidays since she's away. If you don't have pets, spend some time with the ones of friends who do have them. Petting something has been proven to lower stress and blood pressure and raise your oxytocin levels, the same "love chemical" that gets released during sex. (Weird, but since it feels good both times, we're not going to discuss it.) And yes, if you can't get your hands on an animal, I'm sure a friend wouldn't mind having their hair petted, or a guy being caressed.

- If you're going to sit around and stare at your phone while waiting for it to ring, you might as well make good use of that time and pick it up and call a friend or family. (This is what "call waiting" was invented for.) No more wasted time pining when you could be keeping up with another, usually more important, relationship, missy!

- Give a sincere compliment. It makes someone else's day, and you always feel like a superstar afterward.

- Cook, or (if you're one of those people who burn water), go out for, a meal with your friends to say goodbye before you all scatter for the holidays. Hosting friends always brings out the most of your hospitable, polite, generous talents.

- And, of course, a great guy is just the icing on the cake. Find a guy who dials, not just texts. A welcome phone call can make a difference to any day or night. (Yeah, you're doing it right, so thank you. Yes, you. I know you read this; don't think I don't. I'm hip to your groove, sir. But thanks for keeping the silence at your end of the deal, anyway. You get bonus points for that.)

Speaking of giving, the economy sucks right now, if you didn't get that memo, and people's wallets are slim. (Like you keep trying to keep your waistline. But that's much harder. Unfortunately.) My roommates and I went all-out with the Christmas gifts last year, but this year, we've decided to give each other a much less expensive, yet much more touching, gift: we've all agreed to give each other the love we have in our hearts for Christmas. It sounds like a cop-out, but when a friend looks at you and says, "I love you so much; what would I ever do without you?" it honestly feels like you've just been given the best gift in the entire world. And who doesn't want love?

For those of you who are looking for ideas for the hubby for the holidays, here they are, from one of the Current's own writing men! I absolutely adored this article, and was so happy when Sean agreed to write it:

"All He Wants For Christmas
By Sean Conrad
Special from the Champlain Current.

Good evening, ladies. I’m sure that right now you’re asking yourself, “What am I going to get my boyfriend for Christmas?!” or one of the other myriad of gift-giving occasions this December. Well, there are plenty of options for different types of guys, as well as for all of your price ranges.
If you’re already stumped, you’ve probably considered gift cards. Does your guyfriend snowboard? Chances are he has a pass for his favorite slope, but does that slope offer gift cards for the ski lodge? Not needing to worry about having cash for a hot chocolate after flying down a cold mountain would put a smile on anyone’s face.

While unbelievably corny, a coupon book of favors can go a long way. And no, I don’t just mean sexual favors. One for going with him to Gilbane when he gets his car; one for sitting through an entire hockey game without asking how much longer it will be; one for a back rub; one for allowing him to burp whenever he wants for an entire day without being glared at. These are just a few examples. Barnes and Noble sells a few coupon books, but I would suggest writing some of your own— go crazy with it!

A good fallback for a college male these days would be a video game, but don’t just go out and buy him Barbie Horse Adventure; he might not appreciate it as much as you hope. I would also shy away from the ‘hot’ new games, like Modern Warfare 2, Assassin’s Creed 2, Uncharted 2, and for consistency’s sake, Left 4 Dead 2. Go back a few months into the release schedule and think about Turtles in Time Re-Shelled, Battlefield 1943, Infamous, Batman, and Borderlands; just don’t forget to make sure he doesn’t already have it!

Last, I must digress. Take him out on a date. Don’t go for anything exceptionally fancy or proper, just a nice relaxing evening at his favorite restaurant on your tab. I would advise against a ‘new’ restaurant, since there should be no worrying about whether or not the menu has something desirable. Even if you usually split checks or take turns paying, this would take all of the pressure off of him, and give him a chance to just think about how lucky he is to be eating out.

What’s that you say? This list is too short? Well the problem is, you think you don’t know what to get him, but he’s been telling you for a year! “My car’s sound system sucks!”, “I wish my hard drive was bigger”, “Your mom looked really hot in that”, “My keyboard’s keys keep falling off”, “This jacket can’t keep the cold out”, and so on and so forth. Some items you can’t get outright, and might not know exactly what to get, but a gift card to one of those places where he wants to get something really expensive would give him the chance to finally make one of those upgrades. I know you’ve been listening, so go forth and conquer. And if all else fails, get naked."

See, wasn't that good? I have such a great staff...(insert bragging here.)

As I'm a writer, I've always been a big fan of the slightly personal. Some of the best things I've ever given people were written. Write something down for someone, if you're good with words. A poem or a letter can last forever, and guaranteed, it won't just be thrown away. ISpys in the Seven Days newspaper between couples are always fun, touching while not overly sickeningly sweet, and like an inside joke or secret. Plus, they're relatively cheap.

Lastly, on a slightly more shallow, yet still practical note, when you look good, you feel good. It can be remarkably hard to look cute in the winter, the time of year to bundle and layer. If you're of the mindset that looking like a yeti's wife or an Eskimo's cousin isn't the hottest deal, I've got some tips for you from the frozen tundra that is Vermont. (For the geographically challenged, we're located in the north-east, in New England. In other words, it's cold. REAL cold.)

- I love wearing oversize men's sweaters with skinny jeans and boots. (Generally, my tall Uggs-- they may be ugly as all hell, but they are the warmest things I have ever worn, and you can't get me out of them in the winter.) Warm, functional, and cute.

- Plaid, flannel, men's clothing, and gender-neutral clothing are all big right now. To make sure you don't spend your day feeling frumpy, lazy, or awkwardly butch or gender-confused, accessorize with girly pieces! I love big cocktail rings, bangle bracelets, and blinged-out headbands. In fact, I'm wearing all three today.

- The snowbunny look I love: Bright sweater-dresses over black or gray leggings. You can belt them for that tiny-waisted, hourglass shape.

- Long graphic tees over leggings with a cardigan in a fun color is a great way to layer and keep warm.

- If you can afford it, cashmere is the best, most snuggly, luxurious, warm thing you can give yourself. A sweater will keep you so comfortable you'll never want to get out of it. Lord knows I've slept in mine during a few cold nights. Look for some deals on cashmere after Christmas time; that's usually the best time to buy. Buying cashmere/something else combinations is usually cheaper, but just as nice, as well.

- Get thee some cute flannel pajamas for around the house, dorm, or apartment!

- Always remember: "Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important."- Janet Lane. Spread the happy.

- Lastly, not a clothing item to keep you warm, but an important fashion note: girl's jeans are tight. Bulges in pockets from cell phones are so unsightly. I like to keep mine in my boot. Roll up and fold your jeans to tuck them into your boots, and keep your phone in the little pocket that your pant legs make so you don't lose it under your foot when walking. Plus, it's always surprising when it goes off and people watch you reach into your boot; it's novel.

That's it for now, loves. I hope I gave you something to chew over, whether it's a way to be happier, a good new song, or the solution to Christmas presents you've been stressing over. In the spirit of the day and upcoming holidays, and because I'll be busy with exams for awhile, I want to thank each and every one of you for reading. EACH and EVERY one of you, whether you are a long-time reader, someone who just stumbled upon this blog, or if you're having a good laugh at my expense-- you all keep me going. For those of you who comment, motivate me, compliment me, stretch me and press me to grow, challenge me, or believe in me, I thank you thousand-fold. And that's one of the best things you could ever give me.

XOXO