LikeALittle, or Like A Lot?

I was at a party last night when a local celebrity walked in. No, I’m not talking about any epic Vermont personas—not entertainer Rusty DeWees, not novelist Chris Bohjalian, not even Fred Pabst the Younger, a Vermont ski mogul whose grandfather started that scion of beer, Pabst Blue Ribbon, even though lots of said beer was in attendance—no, I’m talking about a real Champlain College celebrity: Mountain Dew Hat Guy.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you obviously haven’t been following the new LikeALittle Champlain page. The “About” section of LikeALittle calls it a “flirting-facilitator platform,” and says that the site’s purpose is to “allow you to compliment and chat about your crushes around you or otherwise bemoan your missed encounters from the safety of your trusty screen.” Basically, it’s a more campus-centered spin on the iSpys that Seven Days newspaper has been hosting for years, the main premise behind the site being a bastardized love-child of Twitter and your local personals. I’ll admit, I pick up an issue of Seven Days every week, just to read the iSpys. I’m pretty obsessed with being Spyed. But Champlain’s LikeALittle page, which can be found at LikeALittle.com/Champlain, has taken all the guesswork out of deciphering if you were that particular cute blonde in a red scarf sighted on Church Street last Sunday night. Starting with locations around campus (residence halls, the library, in the caf, etc.) and including the gender of the person being holla-d at and their hair color as identifiers, they sometimes include articles of clothing, hints at names, or other clues that make it easier to figure out if you’re being flirted at, or if you’re just crazy and wishfully thinking.

Some messages are cute—“At Fireside: Female, Brunette. You helped me make a Cookie Jar while I sat there, struggling with the twine. Even though I'm not your type, I'm glad you cared, enough to take the time.” Some are hilarious—“Girl at the salad bar in the blue… You say ‘tomato,’ I say DAYUM!” And some are downright creepy—“I stare at that booty through [yo]ur second floor window ;).” The innuendoes are astounding. I have to say, as a peer advisor at the Writing Center, I have had to re-align my standpoint on our student body’s use of metaphor, allegory, and simile. What I’ve seen on this flirting site is a lot better and a lot more sophisticated than what I’ve seen in academic papers. Furthermore, a haiku was written, and another student corrected it—“A haiku is 5-7-5, not 7-5-7.” If we could get this sort of dialogue going in classes, we’d nearly make Mini Ivy status. It blows my mind what some people are capable of creating when they want something…or someone. That’s you, Mountain Dew Hat Guy, Bandana/Lip Ring Dude, and Cute Redheaded Girl Who Does NOT Look Like Hayley Williams.

Currently, over 250 people “like” the page, and I’m sure more visit it daily, even if they haven’t publicly endorsed their urge to creep (myself included). But what’s the draw? Is it a new sort of ego-search, like how you used to Google yourself? Is it because this is such a godforsaken small campus that we all feel the need to know the dirt on each other and who thinks who is hot? Or is this the new way that our generation has taken to meeting people and hooking up—a less lame version of Match.com, in shorter format and more geared toward getting phone numbers than to meeting someone perfectly compatible with you based on 33 personality characteristics and not your shared love of the salad bar or gym machines?

I couldn’t help but wonder as I walked into the dining hall for lunch—was I going to be looking at a post on LikeALittle later this afternoon: “At Cafeteria. Female, Blonde. Teal sweater and Champlain hat. Yeah, I like the way you eat that sandwich.”

Special to SATCG from the December 2010 issue of the Champlain Current.

XOXO

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open."- John Barrymore

Do you know when I feel sexiest? When I'm happy. It's a stupidly simple formula-- when you feel good, you feel good. People tend to discount it because of the fact it is so simple, which is probably one of the worst mistakes you can make. I'm having a good day today; I got my monstrous paper for one of my classes finished last night and handed it in; it was sunny, even though it was ass-numbingly cold out; I'm looking forward to going out and catching up with a friend later; I got paid and so am out of over-draw in my bank account; I've got a lot of other things going well and making me happy right now. What can I say? I'm a lucky girl. And the best part is, is that I know it. I'm not taking anything for granted at the moment; I'm just living moment-to-moment, like a particularly felicitous hitch-hiker.

Though it's nearly impossible to whip yourself into a good mood, I've found a few things that never fail to work for me:

- One of the things that makes me feel happiest is to grab a good cup of coffee, get my new monthly issues of Cosmopolitan and Glamour, and read, sip, and relax to some good music. Indulge yourself harmlessly like this. It's my once-a-month date with myself. Spend time for yourself, by yourself. Your time is precious. You give it to other people. Now give that same gift to yourself.

- Make a playlist of songs that make you crack a smile every time you hear them. Music is one of the greatest mood-elevators of all. Just hearing a familiar song from someone else's headphones makes me grin. Today, I passed a guy blasting Beck's "Girl," which is one of my all-time favorite songs, let alone one of the ringtones in my phone I love to hear go off.
Here are a few I love:
"I'll Be Your Man"- The Black Keys
"Mama's Room"- Under The Influence Of Giants
"Girl"- Beck
"Love You Madly"- Cake
"Who Knows"- Marion Black
"Do What You Want"- OK Go

- Around this time of year, I love going for chilly strolls downtown to see the lights and decorations. Church Street is beautiful. Check out your own metropolitan area-- the lights and people-watching are superb. Make up stories about passer-bys over coffee or tea or hot chocolate for some free amusement. Bringing a friend along to see who can come up with the most creative or crazy story tops it all off.

- Spend some time with animals. (And no, your wild guy friends don't count.) Possibly the best gift I've been given this year is the chance to take my friend's dog home again for the holidays since she's away. If you don't have pets, spend some time with the ones of friends who do have them. Petting something has been proven to lower stress and blood pressure and raise your oxytocin levels, the same "love chemical" that gets released during sex. (Weird, but since it feels good both times, we're not going to discuss it.) And yes, if you can't get your hands on an animal, I'm sure a friend wouldn't mind having their hair petted, or a guy being caressed.

- If you're going to sit around and stare at your phone while waiting for it to ring, you might as well make good use of that time and pick it up and call a friend or family. (This is what "call waiting" was invented for.) No more wasted time pining when you could be keeping up with another, usually more important, relationship, missy!

- Give a sincere compliment. It makes someone else's day, and you always feel like a superstar afterward.

- Cook, or (if you're one of those people who burn water), go out for, a meal with your friends to say goodbye before you all scatter for the holidays. Hosting friends always brings out the most of your hospitable, polite, generous talents.

- And, of course, a great guy is just the icing on the cake. Find a guy who dials, not just texts. A welcome phone call can make a difference to any day or night. (Yeah, you're doing it right, so thank you. Yes, you. I know you read this; don't think I don't. I'm hip to your groove, sir. But thanks for keeping the silence at your end of the deal, anyway. You get bonus points for that.)

Speaking of giving, the economy sucks right now, if you didn't get that memo, and people's wallets are slim. (Like you keep trying to keep your waistline. But that's much harder. Unfortunately.) My roommates and I went all-out with the Christmas gifts last year, but this year, we've decided to give each other a much less expensive, yet much more touching, gift: we've all agreed to give each other the love we have in our hearts for Christmas. It sounds like a cop-out, but when a friend looks at you and says, "I love you so much; what would I ever do without you?" it honestly feels like you've just been given the best gift in the entire world. And who doesn't want love?

For those of you who are looking for ideas for the hubby for the holidays, here they are, from one of the Current's own writing men! I absolutely adored this article, and was so happy when Sean agreed to write it:

"All He Wants For Christmas
By Sean Conrad
Special from the Champlain Current.

Good evening, ladies. I’m sure that right now you’re asking yourself, “What am I going to get my boyfriend for Christmas?!” or one of the other myriad of gift-giving occasions this December. Well, there are plenty of options for different types of guys, as well as for all of your price ranges.
If you’re already stumped, you’ve probably considered gift cards. Does your guyfriend snowboard? Chances are he has a pass for his favorite slope, but does that slope offer gift cards for the ski lodge? Not needing to worry about having cash for a hot chocolate after flying down a cold mountain would put a smile on anyone’s face.

While unbelievably corny, a coupon book of favors can go a long way. And no, I don’t just mean sexual favors. One for going with him to Gilbane when he gets his car; one for sitting through an entire hockey game without asking how much longer it will be; one for a back rub; one for allowing him to burp whenever he wants for an entire day without being glared at. These are just a few examples. Barnes and Noble sells a few coupon books, but I would suggest writing some of your own— go crazy with it!

A good fallback for a college male these days would be a video game, but don’t just go out and buy him Barbie Horse Adventure; he might not appreciate it as much as you hope. I would also shy away from the ‘hot’ new games, like Modern Warfare 2, Assassin’s Creed 2, Uncharted 2, and for consistency’s sake, Left 4 Dead 2. Go back a few months into the release schedule and think about Turtles in Time Re-Shelled, Battlefield 1943, Infamous, Batman, and Borderlands; just don’t forget to make sure he doesn’t already have it!

Last, I must digress. Take him out on a date. Don’t go for anything exceptionally fancy or proper, just a nice relaxing evening at his favorite restaurant on your tab. I would advise against a ‘new’ restaurant, since there should be no worrying about whether or not the menu has something desirable. Even if you usually split checks or take turns paying, this would take all of the pressure off of him, and give him a chance to just think about how lucky he is to be eating out.

What’s that you say? This list is too short? Well the problem is, you think you don’t know what to get him, but he’s been telling you for a year! “My car’s sound system sucks!”, “I wish my hard drive was bigger”, “Your mom looked really hot in that”, “My keyboard’s keys keep falling off”, “This jacket can’t keep the cold out”, and so on and so forth. Some items you can’t get outright, and might not know exactly what to get, but a gift card to one of those places where he wants to get something really expensive would give him the chance to finally make one of those upgrades. I know you’ve been listening, so go forth and conquer. And if all else fails, get naked."

See, wasn't that good? I have such a great staff...(insert bragging here.)

As I'm a writer, I've always been a big fan of the slightly personal. Some of the best things I've ever given people were written. Write something down for someone, if you're good with words. A poem or a letter can last forever, and guaranteed, it won't just be thrown away. ISpys in the Seven Days newspaper between couples are always fun, touching while not overly sickeningly sweet, and like an inside joke or secret. Plus, they're relatively cheap.

Lastly, on a slightly more shallow, yet still practical note, when you look good, you feel good. It can be remarkably hard to look cute in the winter, the time of year to bundle and layer. If you're of the mindset that looking like a yeti's wife or an Eskimo's cousin isn't the hottest deal, I've got some tips for you from the frozen tundra that is Vermont. (For the geographically challenged, we're located in the north-east, in New England. In other words, it's cold. REAL cold.)

- I love wearing oversize men's sweaters with skinny jeans and boots. (Generally, my tall Uggs-- they may be ugly as all hell, but they are the warmest things I have ever worn, and you can't get me out of them in the winter.) Warm, functional, and cute.

- Plaid, flannel, men's clothing, and gender-neutral clothing are all big right now. To make sure you don't spend your day feeling frumpy, lazy, or awkwardly butch or gender-confused, accessorize with girly pieces! I love big cocktail rings, bangle bracelets, and blinged-out headbands. In fact, I'm wearing all three today.

- The snowbunny look I love: Bright sweater-dresses over black or gray leggings. You can belt them for that tiny-waisted, hourglass shape.

- Long graphic tees over leggings with a cardigan in a fun color is a great way to layer and keep warm.

- If you can afford it, cashmere is the best, most snuggly, luxurious, warm thing you can give yourself. A sweater will keep you so comfortable you'll never want to get out of it. Lord knows I've slept in mine during a few cold nights. Look for some deals on cashmere after Christmas time; that's usually the best time to buy. Buying cashmere/something else combinations is usually cheaper, but just as nice, as well.

- Get thee some cute flannel pajamas for around the house, dorm, or apartment!

- Always remember: "Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important."- Janet Lane. Spread the happy.

- Lastly, not a clothing item to keep you warm, but an important fashion note: girl's jeans are tight. Bulges in pockets from cell phones are so unsightly. I like to keep mine in my boot. Roll up and fold your jeans to tuck them into your boots, and keep your phone in the little pocket that your pant legs make so you don't lose it under your foot when walking. Plus, it's always surprising when it goes off and people watch you reach into your boot; it's novel.

That's it for now, loves. I hope I gave you something to chew over, whether it's a way to be happier, a good new song, or the solution to Christmas presents you've been stressing over. In the spirit of the day and upcoming holidays, and because I'll be busy with exams for awhile, I want to thank each and every one of you for reading. EACH and EVERY one of you, whether you are a long-time reader, someone who just stumbled upon this blog, or if you're having a good laugh at my expense-- you all keep me going. For those of you who comment, motivate me, compliment me, stretch me and press me to grow, challenge me, or believe in me, I thank you thousand-fold. And that's one of the best things you could ever give me.

XOXO

The List: "To Be A Truly Interesting Person, You Must Accomplish These Colorful Things."

I'm a list person. There's almost nothing that I like better than sorting things out and writing them down in detailed lists to make me feel like I actually have a good grip on what's going on. Grocery lists? I try not to shop without them, otherwise, my compulsive buying gets the best of me and I wind up at home with an eggplant, and no milk. Though I may not actually do what is on the list, I'm a big fan of making homework lists so I can at least see what I need to do on a page in front of me, and then decide if it's worth it or not. (Usually, I make this list and feel some perverse sense of accomplishment from just doing that and being "organized" that I totally forgo anything after that. Now if only my professors would accept my very thoughtful, detailed lists and that could be the end of things...) And don't even get me started on To-Do lists. The feeling I get when crossing something off a list is slightly akin to how early explorers and Spanish conquistadors must have felt claiming nations.

Someone (anonymously) asked after my post in which I mentioned it, what exactly the other things on my "To Be A Truly Interesting Person, You Must Accomplish These Colorful Things List" not mentioned were. Truth be told, it ebbs and flows. I add to it as I find things that appeal to me. Some items are broad; some are very specific. Some I've already done; some I've even done numerous times. Some really aren't feasible, but you always have to have something to reach for, now, don't you?

- Know enough about wine to not be intimidated by a French (and that's IN France, not American-French) restaurant's wine list.

- Be able to order the wine, in French.

- Master another language. Or, at least, be fluent enough to progress past my bastardized second-grader's level French. Who knows-- maybe Italian will be easier for me.

- Participate in UVM's Naked Bike Race, which, for me, who abhors bikes, but does run, will be the Naked Run, or How Fast Can I Streak By These People And Hope Not Many Champlain Students Who Will Recognize Me Are Here?

- Live somewhere not in the continental U.S for over 6 months.

- Spend a week or two hiking somewhere. Anywhere. (That counts as wilderness.)

- Learn to play the guitar.

- Write a novel, even if it doesn't get published.

- Create, or attend, a foam pit party-- you know, like the Smirnoff commercial where they fill an empty pool with pieces of foam. (This one makes me really excited.)

- Be able to drink whisky, Jager, or cheap vodka without making a face. (Working on it. It's a reflex.)

- Get wonderfully lost and not worry about it.

- Learn to throw a football in a perfect spiral, and with good aim, at a good distance. (This may not be able to happen, thanks to my impossibly tiny hands.)

- Live in New York City.

- Own a pair of terrifyingly beautiful classic Louboutins.

- Stay up all night to watch a gorgeous sunrise; no other purpose.

- Do the Walk of Shame. Depending on how you feel about it, the Shame part is optional.

- Try eating calves' brain, (thank you for this whim, Bourdain).

- Learn how to ballroom dance.

- Write/compose a song.

- Sing solo in front of an audience. (Oh, stage fright. I'm like Piper Perabo in Coyote Ugly...the lights would have to be shut off for me to even get up there.)

- Speaking of Coyote Ugly, dance on a bar-top.

- Drive a Porsche on the Autobahn...no speed limit, baby!

- Ride through the desert in Egypt to see the Great Pyramids. (I suppose a camel would suffice, as well.)

- Say "I love you" to a significant other and really mean it.

- Perfect my golf swing. (Putting, I'm already BOSS at. The ability to golf is a really good skill to have-- do you know how many high-ranking people think a round of golf is the best way to meet recruits or get to know someone? It's shocking.)

- Take up creating art again.

- See more of the Great Masters' artwork in person.

- Spend a night in jail for something completely stupid that will make a really great story.

- Get in a bar-fight.

- Win said bar-fight.

- Master a totally useful yet non-traditionally-girly skill, like changing a tire, setting up a television's sound system, or...my personal favorite goal...being able to re-haul an engine. Vroom, vroom.

- Have a righteously enviable music collection and firm grasp on almost everything that's in it, from title to lyrics.

- Get a tattoo. Working on this one...

- Attend a frat party.

- Eat at a five-star restaurant.

- ...But be able to cook what I ate at that five-star restaurant. In other words, master the art of cooking.

- Dance naked under the full moon.

- Visit the country my ancestors are from and get mistaken for a local.

- Be proposed to. For the third time. But actually want to say "yes."

- Travel to Egypt and Dubai, Manchu Pichu, the Great Wall of China, Cambodia to see the temple ruins, Paris for the Louvre, the Sahara, New Orleans, Barbados, Russia and Czar Nicholas's Winter Palace in St. Petersburg, the Taj Mahal and India, Spain and the best tapas bars in the world, the countrysides of Ireland and England, Tuscany, and oh, so many more. Ask me any given day of the week where I want to go. It's always different.

- Get black-out drunk and have to put the puzzle-pieces back together in the morning with help from texts, friends, photos, and mysterious stains. (In a good way.)

- Learn to finally, really play Poker. And to stop bluffing every hand.

- Teach a child how to read.

- Create a college scholarship in my grandfather's name, to thank him for my opportunity, and give someone else a chance.

- Cross-country road trip. Possibly with the Little Civvy That Could, but then again, driving standard for that long is literally a pain in your ass from shifting weight to step on the clutch.

- Get Spied in an iSpy ad. (I have an obsession with the iSpys; they're the first thing I always read when I pick up a Seven Days.)

- Rescue and adopt an animal.

- Get backstage at a concert.

- Put into action that phrase "Beg, borrow, or steal."

- Go scuba diving in the Caribbean.

- Do something that involves jumping from a height or free-falling.

- Refuse a ludicrously lucrative job offer because it's not something I agree with or can morally get behind.

- Affirm your beliefs; stand behind them under fire.

- Plant some trees; give back from what you take.

- Bet an insane amount of money on a hand I could lose. See what happens.

- Reconnect with lost friends.

- Brew our own beer or dandelion wine with my dad. He's done it; I want to learn.

- Sail on my own.

- Meet a real pirate or drug lord, ideally in a non-threatening setting. Or royalty or a superhero. Someone out of the ordinary.

- Become a great debater and be able to support my standing eloquently, intelligently, and without losing my temper.

- Learn to control said temper.

- Learn to crack safes and pick pockets.

- Break one of my superstitious habits. (There are quite a lot of them.)

- Attend one of the great parties of the world: Carnival, Mardi Gras, Day of the Dead, etc.
- Read the classics. So cliche, but so worthwhile. But I don't mean "the classics" as in, anything and everything that was on your high school English class reading list-- I mean "the classics" as in the novels that people recognize as being great FOR A REASON. No reading Dickens just to read Dickens. Personally, I've found Austen to give great advice, Washington Irving to tell a damn good tale in prose that makes me envious, and Orwell to be damn negative and depressing. What you consider "the classics" is up to you; just be sure there are good reasons you're considering them.

- Pick up and go somewhere or move on a whim.

- Not worry so much.

- Have one of the most kick-ass obituaries ever published. Something along the lines of, "Carissa, age 76, died in Paloma, Spain, during the Running of the Bulls. She is survived by..." Ask me about my plans for after I turn 75 sometime. Suffice it to say, I don't want to grow old, so that's when all the things like bungee jumping and swimming with sharks come in.

My advice to you is to write your own list. Find out what things you really want to do, and then work toward them. Know when you will say "yes" in life, and when you will say "no." No one ever got very far not taking risks. It's knowing which appeal to you that will shape how you live your life.

And plus, remember what I said about that whole "I'm conquering the world" feeling you get when checking something off. Don't you want to feel all-powerful like Cortes, minus the native slaughter, pillaging of treasures, and devastation of natural resources? Yeahhhhh...

XOXO

For Finding and Keeping

How To Be A Stellar Girlfriend, Or, Ways To Make It Virtually Impossible For Him To Leave You Without His Buddies Killing Him And Jumping To Line Up For You:

#1: It starts simple—the way to a man’s heart really is through his stomach. If you can, cook for him. Or if baking’s more your thing, bake yummy things that will make the entire house or apartment smell edible. Even if you think you’re a horrible cook, just seeing you doing something in a kitchen hits a man in some primal part of his brain. Baking brownies from a box is remarkably simple and hard to screw up—try it sometime when he’s around. Or, invite him over for a dinner. I have a fail-proof recipe for seared steak and parmesan oven fries that very well could inspire fights, marriage proposals, or un-ending relationships. (Though you may say, “then why are you still single, smarty-pants?” Well, I haven’t gotten the chance to cook it for any of my men, yet, although a friend’s boyfriend DID have some of the oven fries and declared that if he weren’t an already taken man he would ask me to be his girlfriend. And that was just the fries! Imagine what a good steak could to do a red-blooded man!)

#2: Sneak their favorite treats into their car, gym bag, locker, refrigerator, office, apartment; whatever. Whether it’s chocolate covered gummy bears, like one of my exes, or a six-pack of their beer of choice, a new set of tongs for the grill, a pack of the condoms he likes, or the newest issue of Maxim or the movie he’s been waiting to come out on DVD, when he finds it, he’ll instantly think of you and how considerate you are.

#3: Treat them out to dinner, a drink, or a movie, like they would normally take you out. It’s a cute way to reverse roles and seem like you’re saying, “See? I’m with him. I’m proud of him.” They’re so used to being expected to pay for the women’s way , or at least attempt to offer if you normally go Dutch, that he’ll feel like he has a girl who’s really happy to be with him, and not with his checkbook.

#4: Ok, so, this one is a bit cliché, but so true. Give them head while they watch their favorite movie at home. The only thing that could possibly make “The Departed” more is if his dick is getting sucked or whacked off while the mobsters onscreen are getting whacked, too—just in a different, more Italian, Cosa Nostra way.

#5: Go buy something new from Victoria’s Secret or your favorite local lingerie shop that they’ve never seen you in before so you can spice up a night with the newness of it. Bonus points if it’s something you don’t normally wear, like garters and a garter belt, a corset, or a teddy. It will give him a new sort of thrill to see you in something new to both of you. Plus, hey, you both get to christen a new item of clothing. Ahhh, memories.

#6: If you live farther apart, make sure you split drive-time to visit each other equally. Gas is expensive, and plus, no one wants to feel like the host all the time. Swapping who drives each visit shows that you’re willing to put in your share of time, mileage, and gas to make this thing you two have going work—that you will physically drive to see him.

#7: Bone up a little bit on his favorite sport. Wikipedia is a good place to start for quick information. Really, if during a game you can tell the difference between a three-point shot and a free-throw attempt and what it’s worth, he’ll appreciate your effort and enthusiasm. Also, it might behoove you to know what the real definition of a “tight end” is.

#8: If he’s going to be spending nights at your place and needing someplace to wash up in the morning, get a couple extra toiletries to make him feel more at home. Get some manly soap so he doesn’t have to use your girly shower gel and then go into work, or worse, use nothing at all because he doesn’t want to smell like magnolias and jasmine. Buy a spare toothbrush in case he forgets his; believe me, this is a godsend to you, too. Make sure there’s an extra-big towel in a gender-neutral color that he can use—blues, greens, browns, and reds are good. No man wants to have to use your pink, you-sized towel, because let’s face it, you won’t be able to stop yourself from laughing when you see it wrapped around his waist like a dishtowel from the kitchen.

#9: Respect the “guy time.” Like you need your time with the girls without him so you can tell them all about your life with him, he needs time with his boys without you so he can either tell him about life with you, or actually not have to talk about you for once because you’re not there. If you do want to be included in the guy-time, ask him if he wants to invite the guys over to your place for a movie-night or casual Friday night. Offer to cook or provide the snacks as an incentive. Once they’re there, don’t monopolize conversation or try to distract them for the real reason they’re there: the movie, the beer, and your boyfriend. Let them do their thing. Watching the dynamics can be interesting and educational because you get to see your guy in his natural habitat—with other guys.

#10: If it’s not a big deal, and you can realize this, don’t tell him and try to make it his big deal, too. I see so many girls who make drama because they can’t help it and then drag their guys into it, which then drives him nuts, which then she can’t understand why he’s freaking out at her, too. Really—if you can work it out for yourself, lady, you do it. If you can’t handle it, then go to your girl friends. Only if you can’t help yourself, or can’t turn to your friends or mother for advice or an ear to rant to, then you go to your man. Half of the crap, yes, crap that is going on in your life or your friends’ lives he doesn’t want to hear about. The other half he’ll be more open to hearing and helping you with if you don’t burden him with made-up drama. A hiring, firing, pregnancy, win, loss, or piece of insightful personal information is worth sharing. A chipped nail, missed or lately-responded to text, misplaced ATM card, bicker at work, or jerk that cut you off while driving home isn’t worth the raised-voice, flapping hands spill-fest. Don’t be the “fulla drama mama.” Yes, there are some exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, dudes dig cool chicks, and that goes for laid-back personality. To your friends, roommates, and parents you can be a mess—to the guy you’re seeing, relaxed is a better mood to go for.

If you have any other tried-and-true tips, tricks, or hints, please, write in and leave a comment! I’d love to get a long, interactive, and informative list going that can be referred back to in times of confusion or need. Really, I need your help here, reader. You must have at least one fail-proof trick, you captivating creature. And guys, you’re not exempt. Let us know if something we “swear by” is complete bullshit, or if there’s something that would send you over the moon if your girlfriend or the girl you were dating did for you.

As Magnets Don’t, Opposites Attract Me:

Couples are a touchy subject for me, if you haven’t figured out by now. Just about the only couples I can stand are either ones I know, and not even then in some cases. I try to spend as much time in couple-free zones as possible. (Emily and Travis may be that exception, but they also have figured out the perfect blend of cute couple-dom while still retaining separate and non-overly touchy-feeliness around other people.) However, I can tell you what couples I do like. Couples who are complete opposites, because it always makes me wonder what brought them together. Couples who are mismatched in height. Couples who do decidedly un-coupley things, like skeet shooting or kayaking. Couples who just stay in and don’t feel the need to inflict their couple-ness on other un-coupled people. Couples I am a part of. (Ha. Ha. Of course.)

I’ve learned a few things from the couples I find cute. I’m a notoriously hard-to-peg person when it comes to having a “type” or categorizing what I like in a man—really. Let me take you on a written slide-show. First, there was the Inappropriately Aged Boyfriend—24 (I was 16, hence the moniker), red-headed, beardy, five-eight, with no real defined hobbies or interests other than ultimate frisbee, cooking, and working on expanding his beer-gut and bedding younger women. Then there was Catholic Boy, a grade below me in high school—dark, tan, soccer-boy fit, five-six, ten pounds heavier than I was, and into art, country music, and obeying his Mommy and priest. Then there was the Douche, half a year older—a short, stocky, and swarthy Italian with a Beatles haircut, who played the guitar, loved classic rock and partying, and never followed through with anything he said. The Flaky Artist was tall—six foot and one inch—had just shaved his head and looked like a lanky neo-Nazi and twenty days younger than me. He was into drawing, alternative music, cuddling, and videogames. Then Legs, a graduating senior in college when I was a freshmen—five-ten, 185 pounds of stocky soccer-body and those infamously toned legs, big blue eyes, pouty Cupid lips, receding hairline, baggy-casual clothing, hip-hop music, photography and a snowboarding and World of Warcraft addict. (You wouldn’t have ever known it looking at him.) Jersey Blunt was older than me while a year in college behind due to a probation stint, six-four with black hair and bright blue eyes, thick and expressive eyebrows, a nose with character and a mouth that matched it with what came out of it, and lanky while still managing to be broad in the shoulders and muscular; a button-upped dealer with a gangsta lean. He owned Timberlands, but he also owned a really nice pair of khaki Dockers which he ironed out. He loved his “mugobs” or “gobbies”—what we would call “sunglasses” and owned pairs made by such insignificant people as Dolce and Gabbana, as well as a watch by someone called “Movado”. And then, Mr. Perfect. Six-three, six months younger and two years behind me in the college adventure time-frame, 204 pounds of broad and thick muscle, floppy brown hair, clean-cut Vermont farm-boy attire like the classic broken-in jeans and waffle-thermal longsleeves in colors like muted lake blue, bright hazel eyes that always seemed to laugh, cheekbones that could cut glass, eyelashes a girl would kill for, a strong, straight, “perfect” nose, and a smile that could stop crime. Yeah. Obviously, this guy did, and still does nothing for me. Yeah, right. Hubba hubba.

There are some similarities. I’ve dated more men with brown or hazel eyes than blue, and I don’t really like blonde men—I prefer brunettes, usually with longer-ish hair; you know the cut: it comes down over their ears, the back of their neck, and their forehead resulting in a need for them to flick or toss it out of their eyes when they go too long between cuts, which is often. But I love it. I seem to be partial to Italians or darker-complexioned men, or men who at least tan well in sunlight. I also much prefer tall men, and they have to weigh more than me. I like muscles, quite a bit—after The Inappropriately Aged Boyfriend, I decided that was one thing I could be shallow about. I tend to be attracted to men whose physiques do the classic “V” of broad shoulders and slimmer middles and hips, although Perfect was a “perfect” rectangle, and I loved the sense of broadness and solidness he had. However, I seem to attract blue-eyed men with criminal records of average height and pot-smoking habits. Hmmm. Other than that though, personality seems to be what really draws me in. None of my past relationships really share looks or personality in common, so it seems to be a certain je-ne-sais-quoi about a guy that pulls me in.

So what does this have to do with me and couples? Well, dating all these diverse guys has made me realize the things I find adorable in couples. One—I love height-mismatched couples, especially if the guy is really tall and masculine and broad and the girl is really small and cute. Being with tall guys always made me feel more tiny and feminine than I do normally, and I have a “big personality”, so this is usually hard to accomplish. Most of the time, until I need to reach a shelf, I think I am about five foot and ten inches. When Jersey Blunt could tuck me under his chin up against his chest, or the Flaky Artist would draw me up next to his body and tuck me into him under and arm and rest his head on top of mine where I cuddled in his nook on the couch or Perfect could lift me up and move me around , or carry me piggy-packed for over half-an-hour, I finally got to feel like the petite girl I really am. This directly correlates to my behavior—you can visibly watch me become softer, sweeter, more girlish and less dominant. I bat my eyelashes more. My voice raises an octave, and my mannerisms become more delicate. When I see couples like this—him clearly masculine, her clearly feminine—it reinforces this idea, which I love to see; two people, so comfortable in their roles and with each other that he gets to feel like The Man and she gets to be quiet and lovable and light and airy. Call me traditional, but I can’t help it—when I see these couples on the street, I always think one thing: Love.

I also like couples who are complete physical opposites in their features: he’s dark and she’s light, or vice-versa. If he has really heavy features and black hair and dark eyes, and she’s refined-looking and pale and has wispy and almost silver hair, I think of things like the evil prince and the peasant girl who melts his heart from my childhood story books. (I’m a sucker for storylines, especially in couples.) Or if she’s all sultry and mocha, and he’s icy and cold, it makes me wonder how their opposites attracted. (Again, with the storylines.) The couples that look alike, like they’ve been together so long they’ve started to become one another; they don’t interest me so much. It’s the ones that look so striking together that get me thinking, wondering, and liking.

Where The Wild Things Are:

Every week, an alternative newspaper called “Seven Days” hosts an iSpy section along with the personals. Like a little kid with Christmas presents, I know which one I want to open up to first, but I do love the delicious sense of putting off desire, so instead, I pretend-casually flip through the first section, read all the pertinent area news, open up the second section (getting warmer now,) and read through all the club listing, checking out who’s coming into town. I then read the personals, just for fun, and to play “Guess That Person” because it is, after all, a small town, and finally! On the next fold, the iSpys.

An “iSpy” is basically an ad someone takes out with a description, time, and place that they met someone they want to reconnect with or meet. Or, it can be a shout-out to a friend, a thank-you to a dear lover, or a general note to a group of people or establishment. To me, the iSpys are the ultimate Valentine. Though not especially a fan of Valentine’s Day myself, as I have always, always, always been single and generally tried to avoid the masses of happy and money-spending couples, there is something so fantastic, so novel about a witty and clever blurb in an old-fashioned, black-and-white newspaper whose ink rubs off onto your hands as you turn the wide pages.

I desperately want to be Spied. Every time I go about town, I dress in something distinctive to mark me out from all the other short, small blondes across Burlington with blue eyes. Every week is like a new birthday or Christmas—my heart speeds up and as I get closer to that page, I always think, “Maybe this will be it.” Who would Spy me? That’s half the fun. What would it say? Would it be smart, or would it be totally corny? (I guess this boils down to “what sort of total stranger would I attract?”) How would I respond? Would I respond, or would I take it as the most flattering thing of my life, move on, and never read the iSpys again, mission complete?

I don’t think so. As this hasn’t happened yet, I instead read the iSpys to see what sort of people DO get Spied in my place, or what particular towns are particularly Spy-heavy. Montpelier, actually, attracts a lot of Spying. There’s one blonde, 30-something worker at the Meadow Mart with a great smile who was getting consistently Spied in a bunch of consecutive issues this past Spring. Sometime when I’m in town next, I’m going to stop by and try to find her and see what all the fuss was about.

And an Honorable Men-tion:

A special thank-you tonight to Will, who still gives me the best relationship advice a straight guy can give his female friend, not sparing the gory details of the inner-workings of the young male mind, always sticking up for the manliness and spirit of the guy I’m trying to force into submission to make me see it from his point of view, and for saying the hard things even when he knows I may not want to hear it though it’s the truth—all of this even after the completely unfounded rumors going around campus that we were hooking up. Now that’s friendship. (Also, if anyone knows where/how those rumors started, feel free to fill us in, because we’re clueless. Though I’m sure anyone overhearing us in the cafeteria as I ask him something like, “Hey, what do guys think about when they’re watching porn?” or say something like “I had the most amazing orgasm last night,” would think they knew what’s going on. But honestly—that’s how I talk to all my friends. Aren’t they the lucky bunch?)

Goodnight!

XOXO