Wednesday, August 4, 2010

O My.

I have something shocking to admit: In a world where women are (might I add, unfairly) expected to be consummate actresses, I have never had to fake an orgasm.

One time over a year ago, I thought I might have to and silently debated the moral ethics of it with myself for about 5 minutes while still, you know, involved in other things. I don't know how much hard, ethical debating you do while having sex, but let me tell you-- it's difficult. There was an emotional tug-o-war between the thought that if I pretended something was happening, this guy would go on with his life thinking that what he was doing actually worked, and the fact that yes, this was going nowhere, nothing even breaching the horizon, and I was beginning to chafe. Thankfully, the dude admitted drunken defeat before I had to deceive, which means that as of right this second, I still can't tell you if I'm even capable of "faking it."

However, I have to admit-- it's not just someone else's capabilities that predetermine if you'll be getting off or not. You can be with someone who's hitting all the right points and passing Ikea's "fit Part A into Slot B" test with flying colors, and fireworks still may not go off. Conversely, it's possible to have an O with a partner during the most random "it's just a normal Tuesday night" sex merely because of the fact you're so compatible with them and have great chemistry. For a stint in time, I was seeing someone with whom every sexual encounter ended in a mutual symphonic finish, and it was (excuse the literal translation) fucking awesome. It wasn't even spectacularly "special" sex-- it was just right-on, freakishly compatible entanglement. It's what everyone should be excited about trying to find and aspire to.

To set the record straight, women O. Men come. In the heat of the moment, we may like to say we're "coming," but that's only because it sounds frankly Sue Johanson-ish to say "I'm orgasming!" Not so hot. But it's kind of like that whole sweating vs. "glowing" thing: Men sweat. Women "glow." Men come. Women O. (Unless you're at the gym during the summer, and then, bitch, you're sweating buckets.)

Maybe you think I'm being too blunt about this topic. It's not my fault-- it's hereditary. When I told my mother I was having sex at 16, the second question she asked me right after "Are you being safe?" was "Are you orgasming too?" Os are important. They relieve stress, release those feel-good chemicals into your body, bond you closer with your bed buddy, and I don't know about you, but for me at least, double as Lunesta's more fun counterpart-- after a good orgasm, give me about 5 minutes to remain half-way lucid, and then, like a man, I'm down and out for the count for the whole night. Being an insomniac, this is important to me, as I get to combine 2 of my Great Loves-- sex, and sleeping.

While in Italy and not getting friendly with the locals, I mastered the formula to what is known as the "double O." Thankfully, I'm not all that complicated like some women are-- some of us do take more time than others or special treatment, and there's always going to be someone who's never had a solo O or someone who can only have solo Os--but here are some of the keys to a double O of your own.

- First, come once. However you need to get the job done, get it accomplished.
- Then-- and this is the important part-- rest for a minute or two. If you're with someone else, tell them that you're going to need to slack off for a minute. If you're on your own, whatever. No excuses needed. Breathe. Reboot. But be sure to keep a little action going, because you don't want the thought of starting again to fall completely off the face of the Earth. But don't over-do-- this is not a marathon; this is the "leisure" section of this performance.
- And then come again. Because you've already "plateaued," per se, it should be much easier and much faster for you to get to your second peak. Again, whatever it takes (and it shouldn't take that much)-- get there.
- Finally, be very, very pleased with yourself. It is perfectly ok to look like the cat who ate the canary, and then zonk out like a narcoleptic.

I doubt you'll have instant success with doubling your fun, but unlike school or learning to play an instrument, practice is fun.

More people are foreign to this concept because we generally treat sex like a race-- get to that O and you're done. Really, what happens for women is that once you get to that first, your body is just warming up to keep going. Real gentlemen will make it a priority that you achieve at least one O, if not one even before sex. (This is also why they're popular dudes not hurting for honeys.) One of my favorite men of all time would always ask if I'd gotten off at least once before he got on. (Granted, when I O, you know. Not to turn this into an "Old McDonald" sing-a-long or anything.) And if you're a dude, unless you can reload in 2-- haha, sorry, sucks to be you. As always, ladies first. And second. And possibly third.


P.S-- And yes, I tagged this as "How To Be Single" because if it's currently just you...well, it can be helpful.

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