Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Of Villages and Revelations.

Just like any child, it takes a village to make a good blog, or a harem of girl friends to teach a girl about love. Which is why when a friend of mine told me she had a potential post for my blog, I jumped at the chance to include it. That, and the fact it was a proverbial jumping, as it is currently so hot on the Eastern Seaboard that jumping, or any physical exertion other than holding a popsicle to my mouth and rotating on the couch in front of the fan to keep from sticking to the leather permanently, is out of the question. "How're you coping with the heat?" the same friend asked as we discussed the details of this post.

"By not wearing any pants."

When it comes down to it, this confession made me remember a revelation I recently had about the fact that for girls, our friends are our therapists, our confessors, our love-gurus, and our personal bouncers. This makes me wonder how guys do it, because I know I would not be, A.) As sane, or B.) As knowledgeable, if my friends didn't share with me what they've found out for themselves. Which is why I think that the outside perspective in the post below is so valuable to you, dear readers-- so you know it's not just me, and it's not just's everyone, on the daily, thinking about relationships and how they work or don't work or how the change and shape you.

Enjoy! And the author and I would love feedback on what you think!


Some realizations are of such importance, it's selfish not to share. Since this blog is about so many things, but the core of the posts are related to relationships, the ebbs and flows of complex human connections, I felt that this would be a good contribution to this collection of insights.

The epiphany in a sentence: You don't have to replace someone in your heart who is irreplaceable, in fact, it's OKAY not to. This realization is mostly due to my current boyfriend, who constantly amazes me with his understanding and patience.

I recently lost a family member to whom I was very close. To put this in context, I have this important person who came into my life when I was 14, and has been with me through a lot of tough times: the night my good friend's dad died on prom night, when I thought my mom was having a heart attack while I was away on a school trip and unable to be by her side, and when an elderly family member fell down a flight of stairs sustaining head injuries. These events all took place in the course of one week, and he was always there for me telling me everything would be alright. He joined the Marines my senior year of high school, and that changed him. We didn't see each other much at all. When my grandfather suddenly died he was the person I emailed, and although he was in Iraq at the time, he answered within 12 hours with the reassuring words, "Feel better babe, everything will be okay," and that he wished he could be there for me, "but it's kind of hard when I'm eight time zones away." This person also happens to be my first love, the one man I haven't been able to put out of my heart or replace. I have dated other people, but when we would begin talking again, I felt myself unable to resist, although he had hurt me many, many times after which I began to tell myself, "I told you so," knowing the end result. But he is the only person I want to talk to when something bad happens, and I think that we all have this one person in our lives. The person we go to and won't feel better without hearing, "It will be okay," directly from them.

On a particularly hard night after my family member's death, I called my boyfriend in a not-so-great-place emotionally. We've been dating for almost a year, and were friends for 2 years beforehand, so he knows all about my history with this guy. In tears, I explained to my boyfriend that although I felt terrible about it, I just wanted to talk to my ex about how I was feeling, and how I wasn't dealing with the sadness particularly well. I was honest with him, and instead of my boyfriend being angry with me he told me, "It's okay if you care about him, even if you love him, too. I understand, and I love you." Amazing how someone can be so selfless and understanding. (Trust me, he's a keeper).

So yesterday, my ex and I spent a few hours running errands together. It was the first time we'd seen each other in over a year and a half, and the time before that had been even longer. Needless to say, it's a rarity to see each other in person and usually he will avoid it. We talked, each enjoyed the others' company, and although we hinted at memories, we weren't heavily nostalgic. He's not in the Marines anymore. We're both a little older, a little wiser. It was quite the feeling and later on, after he left, he texted me saying, "I had a really good time," and I agreed. There are no romantic expectations on either side, but to say we are "just friends" wouldn't do our history justice. It's deeper than that, which is why I suddenly realized that I can never replace him, and I don't have to try anymore.

For those who have the "never-ending relationship" which carries on forever, those who have that one person from the past who is hard to forget, there is hopes that one day you will share the feeling of completeness which I've experienced with the realization that to love someone else doesn't require replacing those who formerly occupied your heart, but rather to add to it.



  1. Beautifully written, doll, and beautiful insights. Can't wait to see you--I've been holding onto a hug that belongs to you that's long overdue.

  2. LOVE LOVE LOVE. So true. Carissa know who this blog is about for me...such a saga :) Thank you so much for sharing!

  3. this is wonderful - and SO painstakingly true. we all have that ONE person in our lives who fulfills this role...

  4. Ah this is amazing, and completely dead on true. It's ridiculously on point. Very impressed and relieved I'm not the only one.