Saturday, December 5, 2009

Orgasms For Peace; Toe-Curlers Against War.

The best part of Champlain Current's Layout Weekend is the news-trolling that we have to do in order to find pertinent news-briefs. (As opposed to news boxer-briefs.) (Which are much more appealing.) (Bwahahahahaha.) (No, but really-- boxer-briefs are like the Wonder Bra of men. I am adamant about this fact.)

We come across some real gems. Like the mother of five in New Jersey who, after being laid off from her job, had enough crazy faith to believe that God would provide for her family and sat around for the last few years not trying to find a job or buy groceries. Because starving your children is so Christian.

But to balance that atrocity is good news: December 21st is Global Orgasm Day. Fo' realz, yo. The idea is to have an orgasm for peace. Because, I don't know about you, but after I have a toe-curler, I am not thinking of running off to go fight a war. I'm more preoccupied with taking a nap. The only thing I want to wage war with is my eyelids, and possibly my bed partner for a little more mattress space. backs up their movement with some sound, albeit wordy, reasoning: "To effect positive change in the energy field of the earth through conscious dedication of orgasmic energy to the vibration of Peace. Our minds and our biology influence Matter and Quantum Energy fields, so by concentrating our thoughts before, during, and after orgasm on peace and loving-kindness, the synergy of high orgasmic physical energy combined with the power of positive visualization could help reduce global levels of violence, hatred and fear. Orgasm is the largest possible instantaneous surge of human biological and spiritual energies. It is a biological gift! What better way to achieve your resolution for Peace?"

If you're like me and don't like to read text that sounds like it could come from a New Age science textbook unless you have to (for, say, Copy Editing homework), this is basically what it boils down to: in case you were unaware, orgasms feel good. And when you feel good, you're not putting negative energy into the world. Which means you're not making other people unhappy. Capice?

The best part of this is the statement in which Global Orgasm encourages you to "in the meantime, practice, practice, practice (safely)!" So the next time you're craving some lovin', please, I implore you, look at your S.O and say, "But babe, it's for WORLD PEACE." (Let me know how that goes. If they say "no" to that plead, I think you're dating either a heartless bitch or a Neo-Nazi. In any case, I'd wonder about their moral fortitude.)

For those of you still in the college world, December 21st falls at a pretty good time. For most of us, finals are just getting over, so you've got some steam to blow off. You also are looking at a holiday break in which, if you and your S.O are from different geographical locations and are each making the toe-dragging pilgrimage to your respective homes to the world of living with your parents for about a month again, awkwardly re-meeting with your high school friends for New Years' Eve, and sleeping solo in your childhood bed, means you're going to be apart and (hopefully) (though this is a horrible thing to say and it does really pain me so,) sex-less during this time. So the 21st is kinda like the sexual equivalent of your Last Supper. Savor it, people, savor it! Practice makes for the perfect orgasm! It's for WORLD PEACE.

For more information on what is possibly going to become one of my new favorite holidays, right after April Fools' Day and Halloween, visit


1 comment:

  1. Bahahaha omg.. this is pretty amazing. It would be your favourite holiday!