Monday, February 21, 2011

2011: A "Space" Odyssey.

I know I said I wouldn't do it, and I promised as much in about three different languages to about half a dozen people, but I broke first. Maybe it was from watching too much SATC over this very long long weekend and watching Carrie put herself out there and say "Women's magazine advice be damned; this is how I really feel!" but finally, yesterday afternoon, I snapped when I saw TGIS was online (yet still unheard from), and reached out first.


I said "Hey." I know, STUNNING opening line, but I decided it was better than "Are we not talking?" or something equally confrontational and jumping-to-conclusions-esque. We chatted a little bit about totally meaningless things, all the while, I was waiting for him to say something, ANYTHING at this point, from "Sorry I've been out of touch-- I've been busy nursing African orphans back to health, but now that we're back in touch, I've been meaning to ask you-- would you like to move to Zimbabwe with me and save the world?" to "After some careful deliberation about what you look like when you sleep and the way you have a habit of inhaling sharply when you laugh, I've decided to end things with you. Never talk to me again, please," so then that way, I would at least be put out of my misery. And when neither of those extremes presented themselves, I then decided to cut to the chase and say, "So, I tried to get a hold of you the other day."

He said, "Oh yeah? My bad, I've been kicking it with the guys all weekend. You know, I obviously like hanging out, and I have a lot of fun with you...but if I don't respond to a text or message or whatever, then just don't worry. We spend a lot of time together, which I enjoy...but I also need my space, too."

Oh. Space. Alone time. Time to be the "uno" instead of the "duo." Well, I'll be damned.

So I said, "I totally get that."

Which, for the record, wasn't a lie, because after he explained everything that I needed to hear for the past 3 days, I really did understand. And, surprisingly, felt fine with it. Space, I can do. I give great space. Let me know you need space and, believe me, I won't be nagging you. I love space. I love space so much I've now started sleeping diagonally in my queen-size bed when he isn't here sheerly because of the fact I CAN. So long story short, all I really needed, in fact, was to hear that he needed some space to start actually enjoying my space.

...Why must he be so smart? And why must I be so easy to read?

I think the inherent issue here is that anytime I start to realize that I really like having someone in my life and, in fact, really LIKE someone, I start to panic that they're going to leave me. Like Madison mentioned, I have a really bad track record of this actually happening to me, so it's not an unfounded fear, and as soon as something in my current relationship starts to happen like it has in a previous relationship, it sends me into a spin. At which point, I start to look for signs of deterioration-- like silence-- so that I can at least cut ties and jump ship first before my ass gets dumped and I get burned, again. (This may be something worth addressing with TGIS at some point, as I really don't want to throw everything away, but my behavioral norm is to do so as soon as I start feeling like someone may be pulling away, themselves.) Is it fair to my current relationship? No. But it's all I know. That whole slippery, tricky "trust" thing has to be at work here, and while it may not be my strong suit, I'm trying, hard, especially now that it's apparent TGIS has caught onto this one.

Again...damn. Nothing like being outsmarted at your own game. Or neurosis.



  1. Very lucky you are to have a man that can tell you all of that without you having to show him any crazy.

    I have the same panic, and it's terrifying. I react the same way without control. Lately I've been flirting with a guy and I notice walls sprouting up this way and that like weeds.

    Good luck. :)

  2. Oh, I'm pretty sure my crazy has been leaking out and has been caught onto, but thankfully, nipped in the bud, at least for now. Yeah...I'll say it...he's pretty cool.

    ...And now I feel like such a 7th grader.

    Walls are interesting-- you never seem to notice them until they've already gone up, and tearing them down again is a bitch and a half. Needless to say, I feel you on that whole "crazy girl can't trust" thing...the only thing I think you CAN do is when you catch yourself starting to shut down, build up, or freak out, breathe deep, reboot, and tell yourself to trust. (Literally-- I say "Trust" to myself. Sometimes if no one's around, out loud. I've found it helps ground yourself again, believe it or not.)

    Good luck to you and the new interest!


  3. Oh my gosh, I panic just like you do. And every time i tell myself that I won't panic next time, and yet it still happens. I think every girl has the crazy.

    Does the Trust thing really help? Because I've found myself losing a lot of guys because the moment they try getting closer to me, I back off and lose trust in them.

  4. The thing that I'm learning about trust is that while the idea of putting yourself out there, only to possibly be left hanging yet AGAIN, is absolutely terrifying, the idea of NOT trusting and so losing something wonderful is actually MORE terrifying. Plus, TGIS as of yet has given me NO reason NOT to trust him-- if anything, every reason and more TO trust him. That helps. When it comes down to it, I really think that it depends on how much you want something-- at this point, I WANT to trust so much that it outweighs the potential of getting hurt again. I figure, I've gotten over hurt in the past; I could do it again. What I HAVEN'T done is learned how to trust, so I'm working on that. I know we all worry about becoming jaded and bitter if we really put ourselves out there and get crushed, but at the end of the day, I think no one wants to be that bitter and cynical person who can't trust or love.

    And yeah, I've found that if I take a second and remind myself to trust, I can refocus, just like I have a mantra for when I start to lose it (and this is going to sound absolutely absurd, but it works for me): "Don't be so crazy-pants, little one." It makes me smile every time I hear or think it, so it breaks up the AHHHHHHH! moments and brings me back down to normal.

    Feel free to cop either and see if they work for you! Good luck!