The Art of the Hook-Up, Parts 1 & 2

Part I:What’s a Girl to Do?

Having previously been one of those “good girls” who have only been intimate in relationships, I recently found myself in the awkward situation of wondering how to go about that infamous art of sex-- the hook-up. Was it as easy as going up to the random acquaintance and saying, “Hey baby, you’re cute, let’s sex,” or was there something more I was missing? Are there social rules for this sort of thing?

Wikipedia, that source for everything you want to know about, and that which you don’t know you want to learn about yet, defines hook-ups as “…a slang term for courtship, especially of a short duration. Also a term used for casual relationships, or casual sex.” Where I’m from in the boondocks, we used the term to mean the full-shebang (quite literally), while over the mountain and forty minutes away, my friend said that at her prep school it just meant making out. So I guess how you use it depends on where you’re from. For all intents and purposes, I’ll clarify and lay down the line. Ladies and gents, hooking up means having sex. Capice?

My interest piqued, I picked up the phone and called a promiscuous friend of mine, curious about how she made her conquests. When I told her my take on it, there was a minute of shocked silence on her end of the line before I was bombarded with a rush of “oh honey, no no no no no’s.” My little guru then went on to give me a veritable checklist of appropriate pick-up lines, as well as things to do while on the hunt for what qualifies as a suitable hook-up partner. (There are qualifications? I thought the beauty of this youth ritual was waking up next to someone and wanting to chew your arm off to get away, a la Coyote Ugly style.) But no. I was being told to flirt. To scout the room. To talk to numerous men to figure out which was the most stable and unlikely to either be immature about the act or cling on afterwards. I was obviously way in over my head, and the advice I was getting was starting to seem like marriage negotiations from the Middle Ages. I mean, if I was cruising for a hook-up in the first place and this is all the work it took, I might as well just start a freaking relationship and save myself some time!

Being the impulsive person I am, I decided to throw the rulebook I’d been given out the window and do things my own way. Screw the two-step; I wanted to get straight to business! I developed a list of fool-proof pick-up lines ranging from smooth to utterly cringe-worthy and passed the idea by my friends on campus. It elicited both cheers from the girls and groans from the guys as I tested out a few of my lines on them and they made me promise I’d bring someone with me for my protection while I was out scouting the campus for the brave men who were willing to take on my challenge.

So here I was: pick-up lines memorized, wearing my big-girl pants, grabbing a hold of my proverbial balls, evil gleam in my eye. I was ready to take on the male population. But, where to start?

Part II:
AKA: I’m Not a Slut. Really.

This article started off simply enough. Girl gets curious about the “hooking-up” phenomenon. Girl does her research. Girl goes out to find (read: harass) men. That’s where you all left your (slightly) fearless authoress. What has happened in the two weeks since then?

With a rapidly rising frustration level due to the unattached, unsatisfied, fabulously flat-broke and single lifestyle I’d been living recently while people around me floated in and out of each other’s beds, I decided that couples whining about dry-spells should be shot. You know where your next lay is coming from. It’s not a dire disaster. Think of all us single people who are out there throwing ourselves under the wheels of the bus of Possible Disaster trying to make a connection- any at all that will suffice.

There was that slacker in one of my classes who I considered bribing with sex to get him to go to class, but re-thought that really quickly. Then there was that adorable under-age boy at the bank that I just couldn’t bring myself to tease. There was that one guy that I accidently shut down in the middle of a pain-induced haze. Let’s not fool ourselves; it wouldn’t have been good, but you’re more than welcome to try again. Really. Please. (Hint to the male population: I know you love us to make the first move, but most women are old-fashioned. Please, you have the balls. Grab a hold and ask us what we’re doing tonight. If we have to let you down, I promise we’ll be flattered in the first place and do it gently.)

In the meantime, I’ve been running my pick-up lines around to test the waters as to what works and what induces a panicked escape reminiscent as if you stood on a table and screamed “GET YOUR HERPES HERE!” (Somewhere, my mother is not pleased about my focus topic.) Here are our winners, so feel free to go forth and use them, but I am not to be held responsible for your success or failure. It’s all about the natural charm, charisma, and lip gloss.

1.) “Hey baby. You’re cute. Let’s sex.”
Strangely, men seem to like this one. It’s direct and flattering, a deadly combination that hits right in the pants. Ahem.

2.) “Are you free tonight, or do I have to pay?”
Bachelor #1: “You have to pay, but I’m cheap.”

3.) “Can I hold your virtual self?”
Bachelor #2: “What?” I guess the target has to either be a freshmen required to read the text by the same name, or possibly an e-game major who’s hoping to meet a girl who shares similar interests.

4.) “I’m easy. Are you?”
This is EXACTLY, it seems, what all men want to hear a woman say. Not “dinner’s ready.” Not “I Ti-Voed the Celtics game for you.” Not “I really don’t need a two-carat princess cut diamond ring, or that pair of shoes.” Men just want to hear that they can have their way with you. How is this not surprising?

5.) “Grab your jacket; you’ve scored. Let’s go.”
I thought guys would like a direct approach with a sport-themed twist, but it seems pretty evenly split between those who like it and those who don’t. This makes me ask: Is it because a woman saying this makes it seem like she’s the one calling the shots? And so you want us to make the first move, but let you take the lead. Ok. No mixed signals there.

6.) “I think I could fall madly into bed with you.”
This is funny and witty enough across the boards. It always gets a chuckle.

7.) “Why don’t you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?”
This was deemed not impressive enough and in one case, seemed to be an insult that the subject was always in his room, unsocial, and never got laid. Needless to say, it was not a score. However, it seemed to appeal to younger guys, probably because they really do want to get out of their dorm rooms.

So, ladies and gents, did I get my fairytale hook-up? No, but if I had, well, that would have made me the literary equivalent of Gene Simmons, wouldn’t it? In the meantime, I’m waiting for my own white knight to come and sweep me off my feet saying, “I’m a writer. You’re a writer. Let’s get together and put poetry in motion.” Ah, yes. So smooth.

Author’s Note: I highly recommend www.linesthataregood.com as a good source for pick-up lines, as well as for wasting a few hours trying to hold in your embarrassed laughter. There’s even a count for how many times the moderator has tried the lines, and how many times they’ve actually worked. Fascinating.

XOXO